Introduction (: 00:06

Welcome to the Better Than Bitter™ Divorce Podcast, where we flip the script on divorce and show you how to have a more amicable divorce resolution. I'm your host, Tania Leichliter a divorce coach, a certified life coach, and the mastermind behind the Better Than Bitter five-step game plan course, where I help individuals build a pathway towards a more amicable divorce resolution.

Each week, I'll bring you uplifting stories from people who've successfully experienced amicable separations, proving that divorce doesn't have to be a battleground. Whether you're overwhelmed with grief, struggling with custody and co-parenting, or just dealing with a high-conflict individual, this podcast is here to guide you towards reclaiming your life and being what I know is possible, better than bitter.

Tania Leichliter (: 01:06

Welcome to the Better Than Bitter™ podcast, episode number 50. Today, we're going to be talking about narcissism, but not narcissism as it relates to a narcissistic behavioral disorder. But what we're going to be talking about today is just narcissistic behaviors, because most people are classified as having narcissistic behaviors. So each day as a divorce coach,

I talk to people who say they are divorcing a narcissist. So today I'm going to be talking about some of those different types of narcissistic behaviors and how to communicate with them to get what you want in divorce. Because ultimately, we don't want to have a highly contentious divorce proceeding. But more than that, we don't want to have a contentious post-divorce relationship.

with our ex-spouse, especially if you have children. So today I'm gonna be talking about the classifications around those different behaviors, but also different scenarios by which you can respond to them in a way that will not be confrontational, that potentially, by using these techniques, you will get what you want, or at least you'll be able to keep calm.

So let's get started. So I have developed these four different resistance archetypes based on these specific narcissistic behaviors. I call them the delayer, the ghost, the dominator, and

the gatekeeper. Those different archetypes are ones that we can fit our soon-to-be exes or if it is an ex-spouse into. Because, like I said, most people have some level of narcissistic behavior. So what is the delayer? Well, the delayer is somebody who procrastinates. They might prolong those deadlines.

or make excuses as to why they can't get things back to you in a timely fashion. They resist the closure that you're trying to achieve in this divorce process. The next one is the ghost. The ghost disappears altogether emotionally, completely shuts down, leaving you to handle everything. So they not only are delaying and procrastinating, but they're completely

avoiding and not wanting to face what is in front of them because divorce, let's face it, is tumultuous. It is so hard to move through this process, especially if you haven't given yourself time to process the emotional grief. The next one is the dominator. And this is the narcissistic behavior that most people relate to, one that is 100 % using control and coercion, and intimidation in order to gain that control.

But like I said, we have a lot of different narcissistic behaviors that we might be dealing with right now. And the last one is the gatekeeper. So the gatekeeper might make you feel guilty; they will begin to create guilt around you, not having an understanding of it. They use it against you that you don't have the knowledge, which then creates chaos for the process.

And it really creates a lot of confusion because again, not having the knowledge and having one individual having control of all of that information is something that again, we face in this process when we are classifying individuals as having narcissistic behaviors. But what I'm going to be telling you about today, called the BIFF method. And the BIFF method was designed to help you move through a high-conflict situation.

And in that high-conflict situation, how do you actually get to resolve? How do you get to the finish line? How do you begin to get the results that you're looking for?

So why does the BIFF method work?

The BIFF method, which was created by Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute, helps you communicate effectively with people who thrive in conflict. And maybe they thrive from that sense of control or avoidance, but the BIFF method can help keep the calm.

So even when that other person might be coming at you with any of those narcissistic behaviors, you have tools in your toolbox in order to come back with some level of communication that will get you the result that you're looking for. So what does BIFF stand for?

The BIFF method means brief, informative, friendly, and firm, and each responses include all four parts. So each time you look to reply and you don't want to overreact, you sit down and you formulate your response by writing down B-I-F-F. First, be brief.

So, stating the fact in a brief, summarized perspective. Informative. Next steps. No opinions, no emotions. Just a little bit more information than what you had summarized in your brief statement. The third one is friendly. This program absolutely does not work if you do not include the friendly. You should compliment.

You should pay attention to what you should be giving gratitude for, acknowledging the things that they do right, making sure that you are saying it in a friendly tone, not in an argumentative tone, and that it is a warm and friendly, and inviting tone that, again,

is not just putting out the criticism, but stepping back and making sure you're also recognizing the good in what is happening. The last one is firm. End the message clearly. Set the boundary. Outline the consequences. Making sure that they understand what is expected. And again, in a friendly tone. Not in a threat and attack tone. So let's explore how this communication works in different types of scenarios. Because again, each of the different narcissistic behaviors aligns with a different way of responding. So let's talk about the professional procrastinator, always thinking about if or they're too busy, delaying the paperwork.

So the message you might have received is, I'll get you the financial statement when I have time. Things are really busy for me right now. So your BIFF response could be, thanks, for letting me know you're busy. I appreciate the fact that you are busy, but we are trying to keep this process on schedule. The financial statement is due on Friday, so the mediator can have time to review it before our next session.

friendly. I really appreciate your cooperation. I know it's a challenging time for you as it relates to timing, but this will help us both move forward smoothly. We don't want to waste our mediator's time. Firm. If I don't receive the information by Friday,

I'm just going to submit the materials as is. So again, your firm statement is that you're going to deliver it no matter what on Friday. If they want to make updates, send the updates. If they don't send the updates, the updates are not going to be processed by that mediator. So the next one is the ghost, the avoider.

The person who disappears doesn't respond to your texts. They don't respond to your emails. They leave decisions hanging. The scenario is that they are ignoring scheduling and any of your messages. message. Hey, just confirming our mediation is set for Tuesday at 10 a.m. The BIFF response.

Once you do not get any information back from them in terms of confirmation or wanting to change the time, brief, hi, just confirm the mediation is set for 10 AM. Informational. If that does not work for you, please provide two alternative dates and times within the next 24 hours so we can change the scheduled appointment and not get charged. Friendly, I appreciate your flexibility.

upfront. It's important that we confirm with the mediator. I respect your time, and we need to respect theirs. I really want to save us money. Let's move forward and make sure we don't get charged for this session. Firm. If I don't hear back, I'll assume Tuesday at 10 am is confirmed.

So again, summarizing that, we want to make sure, again, we don't want to waste each other's money. At that point, it's still both of your money. So staying very friendly is I'm being conscious of the money that we would like to save. I don't want to waste our money on paying a cancellation fee. So you're being really friendly. You're making sure that they know that you're not there to waste their money either.

Wouldn't you want the money in your pocket and not in the mediator's kind of moment? And again, the firm is making sure that you've set that deadline and know what's going to happen if it doesn't ⁓ end up getting confirmed. The next one is the dominator. OK, we consider this the controller. Again, this is the most sought-after or frequent usage of narcissistic behavior is the dominator.

The dominator, the controller, they escalate, they intimidate, they coerce, they punish to maintain power, they criticize. The scenario might be some sort of emotional accusation. Their message to you is it's your fault, you're ruining everything, you're being selfish, and in completely impossible.

Your BIFF response could be brief. I hear that this might be upsetting to you. My goal is to finalize our agreement as is yours. So we need to move forward with clarity around what our desired outcomes are, friendly. I hope that we can keep this process moving forward respectfully.

And cooperatively, because I really do value our children, and I know you value our children, and I want to make sure that whatever we do in this process puts them first. Firm. I'll stay focused on the next steps outlined by our mediator, and I'll keep you informed as to when I submit my responses to your questions.

The next one is the gatekeeper. So the guilt tripper making you feel guilty, manipulates you with emotion, sometimes charm, and creates utter chaos. So again, that person is emotionally manipulating you, trying to make you feel guilty and getting you to do something that you might not want to do. So that scenario is that they're creating guilt to regain that control.

Their message is, I thought you cared about the family. How can you do this? Again, trying to create that guilt. Your BIFF response would be brief. I care very much about everyone involved. That's why I'm really focused on creating two stable homes for our children. And I believe that you are also on the same page. And that is your friendly response.

Aligning yourself with them, agreeing where there is alignment, finding the alignment in what is happening in the moment, instead of focusing on the misalignment. Firm. Let's keep this process moving forward with our agreed-upon next steps for our parenting plan. And I will submit the information that I have outlined.

The mediator, so we have a starting point when we get back into mediation on the next session. I will have that submitted by Tuesday at 2 p.m. Okay, you're committing to your own process and how you are gonna do the process versus just reacting to their statement around trying to make you feel guilty. Just remember.

Nobody can make you feel a certain way. If you point your finger back at that other person because you said that they made you feel guilty, you are giving them all of the control over your emotions. And we do not want to pass that control over to our soon-to-be ex. So you take responsibility for your own emotions and stop playing victim based on what they're saying to you.

So I want everybody to be thinking about this specific tip. Every BIFF message should feel boring to a narcissist. Again, they're not going to get a rise out of you. They're trying to get a rise out of you. So every BIFF method response should feel boring to them because they're not getting what they want. So again, you're removing the emotion, and you are protecting your own peace.

one message at a time. So what I would like for everybody to do is to make sure that you are not responding right away. You need to regroup. OK, re script. And then you can reply. OK, make sure you write on paper B.I.F.F. and write down.

How are you going to respond? You don't need to reply to your soon-to-be exes right away. Or even if you're already divorced, you don't need to reply to your co-parent right away. Make sure you are regrouping first. Make sure, before you respond, that you re-script. And then when you reply, it won't be coming from a reactive state.

So I am going to talk a little bit more about boundary setting before we end our discussion on narcissism today. So again, these are different ways to set boundaries and just kind of in question, know, boundaries, they're just not walls. They're systems of structure to create that clarity that you need. They define how you're going to communicate moving forward and how collaboration can occur.

during your divorce process. So it helps you stay efficient, consistent, and focused on the resolution. So number one, what situations make you feel most emotionally drained during this process? Really think about that. What situations are making you feel most emotionally drained? So where do my communications,

or actions feel inefficient or repetitive? What do I feel happening over and over and over again? So if you find yourself repeating the same information across multiple channels and managing kind of a disorganized communication thread, or maybe you're losing track of agreements, or maybe you're losing track of next steps. So what are some of the boundary practices you can put in place? Well, number one,

Consolidate all of your updates, requests, and decisions. This is what we do for you in divorce coaching. We help you get organized. We help you understand, first of all, what all the items are that need to be discussed. We put all those items into a tracker. We then make sure that we are tracking the communication that happens between ourselves and our soon-to-be ex. And then we put a status in there.

Have we agreed on this? Are we neutral on this? Has there been a trade or an offer provided based on the original communication, and keeping track of where we are in that process? So by doing that, you create clarity and consistency. And again, I really work hard at Better Than Bitter to get the other individual to share in this tracker. So we have two different people who are sharing

a Google tracker and putting in their own information. So everybody knows where they are and is on the same page. Many times, they're not going to be on the same page, but you can look to see in the tracker to see what positions are that each of you is taking. So the second one is where am I saying yes when I really want to say no? I mean, a lot of that happens, right? Sometimes I call that a compromise, and we need to compromise.

But sometimes we feel coerced into getting to that yes. So again, I help at Better Than Bitter help you get to the yes that feels okay. I can't tell you that you are gonna get everything that you want in a divorce. I can tell you that you will feel okay with the decisions that you are making because if you can't come to a decision, you know who's gonna make that decision for you? The judge.

And we want to get you to a place of, okay, it might not be a yippee. But again, if you don't get to an okay with something that's going to be okay with you, even though it might not be perfect, the person who's gonna make that decision for you is the judge. And then you could be in a really bad place because you could get zero instead of being okay. So the boundary practice is to stay on track.

is to refer back to your agreed processes and timelines before taking on any new requests. So again, before you move forward on different elements, you've decided on when you're going to make a decision for each of the individual elements, before you start taking on additional things to negotiate. So you want to kind of close the door on certain things. So when you look through your checker, you're like, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, pending, pending, pending instead of

Pending pending, pending, pending, pending, having pending all the way down, and never feel like you're getting anywhere. So we want to close the doors on certain elements. And again, working on re-scripting, working on our mindset management to make sure that we constantly are looking at why we are saying no and seeing if we can break down those nos even further to figure out if, within that no, we're bundling too many things together, and maybe we can get some yeses out of

So the next one is, how can I reinforce my boundaries when others push back? So again, how can I maintain structure when others are being inconsistent and non-compliant? So if you find yourself being asked to make exceptions, well, you are going to be asked to make exceptions, but over and over and over again might be a pattern of behavior. So if you're receiving these repeated requests,

to revisit settled items, again, on your tracker, it says, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And next thing you know, someone's like, well, I wanna revisit this and I wanna revisit that and I wanna revisit that. So they wanna reopen where you'd already received the yes. So the boundary process practice is to acknowledge the concern, restate the agreed-upon plan, and confirm that you're going to be proceeding according to the structure unless changes are made.

formally discussed with the mediator. Again, if you bring this to the attention of the mediator and you want to bring something up again because you want to refine it, you know, that is okay. But don't do it over the kitchen table because that's where a lot of the contentious discussions happen is when you leave the mediation office and someone brings something up because they're second-guessing what you agreed upon. Try to leave it for mediation.

The next thing is, what does protecting my peace look like? You know, for yourself, what structures helped you stay focused, clear, productive, efficient? So if you find yourself responding impulsively to texts and emails, checking emails outside of set communication boundaries is probably not a good idea. So make sure that you're only checking your emails or texts from your Soon-to-be ex once a day. OK, when they come in, ignore them.

decide upon a time during your day that you're going to go and revisit them and open them all at once. Okay? Because again, if you're doing it throughout your day and you've got lots of other things going on, you're sometimes just distracted and you're being reactive and impulsive in your responses, and that's not going to get you what you want. So the boundary practice again is setting that time every day that you are going to check emails and texts. And again,

You let your soon-to-be ex know that you are setting this practice for yourself. I will be checking emails and texts once a day. I will be visiting everything that needs to be done at that time. And I'll review everything that you have sent over. So don't expect a response from me until I have the opportunity. So don't expect a response from me until I have the opportunity to review everything that you sent over. So just in terms of reinforcing these boundaries,

Just remember, the foundation is respect and efficiency, productivity, and making sure that you keep the comms. Because every time you respond reactively and you're not paying attention to the boundaries that you're setting, that's when you're opening the doors to having things go south. boundaries, they're not emotional shields. I'm not telling you're not going to feel some sort of

vibration in your body during this process. You are. I'm not telling you that having an amicable resolution is going to feel warm and fuzzy when you're going through the process, but I can tell you that it will make the process easier if you can get some level of compliance in terms of how you are going to be working moving forward, making that known. So again, you are not going to be reactive to how that other person might be responding.

So I appreciate everybody's time today. The information that I gave in this podcast is on different types of subject matters that we cover in my support group. We have an incredible program at Better Than Bitter. It's called the Support Group Membership Plus. And why it's a plus is that not only do we have four times a week that you can jump into a variety of different support groups at different times.

to accommodate different time zones, to meet a circle of people who are going through just what you are going through. We have two that are more specific to post-divorce. We have two that are more specific to those who are in the thick of it. But you also get access, premium access, to our Divorce Resource Library. There you will find workshops, webinars, articles, and tons of video education.

as well as special offers from our divorce professionals who are there to serve you. Better than bitter, we are divorce success coaches. We help you pave that pathway to a more amicable divorce resolution. So go ahead and check us out. I am offering a free support group trial. So if you have never participated in a support group before, go ahead and participate in one of our support groups.

on us. And if you like it, then you can go ahead and sign up for the future. So if you look in the show notes, or if you go to betterthanbitter dot coach, there you will find a link to register for our free support group trial. Again, from everybody here at Better Than Bitter, we want you to know that an amicable divorce is possible. It takes work.

It takes effort, but if you believe you can have an amicable resolution, I believe you can too. Again, signing off, Tania Leichliter founder of Better Than Bitter. I hope to see you all in one of our support groups sometime soon.

Tania Leichliter (: 26:12

Thanks for tuning in to Better Than Bitter, navigating an amicable divorce. Whether you are at the beginning of your divorce journey, midway through, or even done, we want the stories from our guests to give you hope that an amicable resolution is possible. If you'd like to dive deeper into today's episode, check out our show notes for a full transcript, reflections, and links to learn more about Better Than Bitter's coaching courses,

and how to connect with our fabulous guests. If you're ready for more support, you can head over to betterthanbitter.coach. Daily, you'll find details and additional information on our five-step game plan multimedia course, our one-to-one Zoom coaching, group coaching, monthly memberships, events and retreats, and a whole lot more. Plus, we've got a ton of free resources, like our monthly newsletter,

our private Facebook group, Instagram channel, and a library of articles and free webinars to help you along the way. When you go to our website, you'll be able to schedule a free 45-minute breakthrough call. Remember, we're here to help you reach an amicable resolution. Find your courage and believe in your brighter future because you know what? It is possible.

At Better Than Bitter, we measure success by what we give and not by what we get. So let's change the divorce dialogue together. It's time to be better than bitter.