Introduction (: 00:06

Welcome to the Better Than Bitter™ Divorce Podcast, where we flip the script on divorce and show you how to have a more amicable divorce resolution. I'm your host, Tania Leichliter a divorce coach, a certified life coach, and the mastermind behind the Better Than Bitter five-step game plan course, where I help individuals build a pathway towards a more amicable divorce resolution.

Each week, I'll bring you uplifting stories from people who've successfully experienced amicable separations, proving that divorce doesn't have to be a battleground. Whether you're overwhelmed with grief, struggling with custody and co-parenting, or just dealing with a high-conflict individual, this podcast is here to guide you towards reclaiming your life and being what I know is possible, better than bitter.

Tania Leichliter (: 01:07

I am so excited to be here today and thrilled that we have had so many people who are interested.

and being better communicators throughout this divorce process. So I applaud all of you today for being here. So today we're gonna be talking about how to communicate in divorce to get what you want. And that was really derived from something that I studied through the Gottman's who helps with relationships and marriage. And so in my divorce process, I really

was referring a lot to the communication techniques that they were outlining. So today we're going to go through some of those techniques, but yet they have now been developed more for divorce discussion and have an evolution, but it was based on this repair checklist that the Gottmans had created.

So let's get into it. So what are these six communication techniques that we can use to repair conflict? Number one, be vulnerable. Number two, be compassionate. Number three, be understanding. Number four is to be mindful. Number five, be assertive. And number six is to be appreciative.

So we're gonna go and dive deep into things that you can say and how you can approach each one of these different communication techniques. The first one, okay, be vulnerable. And I know this is not what you all are thinking right now as to what you wanna be. If you've been faced with divorce, you've been asked to have a divorce, maybe it wasn't something that you brought yourself to do, or maybe somebody has asked to divorce you.

Or maybe it is you and you're like, you know what? I want to get divorced, but I want to do this amicably. Help me bring the person that I've asked for a divorce from down to a level by which I can help them manage their emotions. And it comes down to your language. So what does being vulnerable mean? It means that you can tell them how you feel. I feel scared.

It's okay to say to your soon-to-be ex, I feel scared. You can say, I feel sad. That was hurtful. Did you mean to be hurtful? It's okay for you to be vulnerable in this moment. Now guess what? You cannot control your soon-to-be ex and how they're gonna respond, but.

Instead of attacking them and threatening them because you are feeling scared because again, your feelings are what create your actions. Your feelings create your reactions. Your feelings create your behaviors. So if you're feeling scared, tell them you're feeling scared. Hope that there might be some compassion that comes there. And if not, it's okay to just be vulnerable in that moment. I'm feeling defensive.

Again, you feel that primal part of your brain that fights, flights, or freezes, going ringer, okay? You feel that defensiveness coming. Okay, take a deep breath. Is there another way to phrase what your soon-to-be ex is saying? Ask them, hey, I'm feeling really defensive because maybe you're feeling attacked. Is there another way you could phrase that so I don't act out of defense? It's not what I'm trying to do.

You also in this time period, you are going to be emotionally drained. You are going to be exhausted. And it's okay to say, I feel completely tapped out. My tap, my tank is empty and I am emotionally exhausted because if they continue to want to talk during a time when you feel empty, you're not going to get the results that you're looking for. So

Be vulnerable, explain where you are in that moment. I feel like I need to be strong, but I don't feel strong right now. It's okay to say that. It's okay to say, feel frustrated, but I'm not blaming you. Okay, because a lot of times our frustration comes out like we're pointing fingers, but it's just frustration. So make sure that you just establish that, hey, I'm really frustrated. I'm not blaming you.

I'm just frustrated. Okay. Number two, be compassionate. I sense. So a lot of this is active listening. And if you all have any of you have gone through couples therapy, they are going to talk about active listening, but active listening is just as important in getting a divorce as it is in staying married. You need to be able to be an active listener. Tell me what you hear me saying.

because sometimes that you're assumed to be X is misinterpreting what you're trying to say. I want to make sure your interpretation meets me where I am, meaning that you understand what I'm saying. What I hear you saying is X. So if they say something to you, make sure if you need clarity on that, you ask, what I hear you saying is X. Is that what you meant? Because what you don't want to do is get into this tit-for-tat and you're actually on

the same page, but you're interpreting it in two different ways. Let me try saying this in a softer way, because if you feel that they begin to interpret something and it's not what you meant, cue into that, cue into the fact that, yes, maybe I'm acting in a defensive way. So maybe I need to say this in a different way so they don't get defensive. My intent was not to be aggressive or even passive-aggressive.

Sense what the other person may be feeling. Again, you have to tap into this because we don't want to get into the attack and the threats. Be honest with yourself. I can see my part in this. If someone starts to get aggravated because you said something and you said something and you recognize that maybe it was harsh or maybe it was defensive, recognize it. I can see my part in what's happening right now. I think I've gotten this elevated. Can we take a step back?

You need to be able to take responsibility ownership. In my course, I talk about the victors and the victims. And so often when we're getting divorced, especially at the very beginning, as well as the heat of the legal negotiation, people begin to feel like a victim or they act like a victim. A victim, meaning that they're gonna, we call it getting into bed, blaming, excuses and denial.

Okay. If you find yourself blaming, making excuses or denying, guess what? You're playing victim. What we want to be able to do is be a victor. And being a victor is an or, meaning like rowing down the river with your ors. Ownership, accountability, right? And responsibility. Those are the three,how you could remember it? Victor.

is getting into bed (Blaming, Excuses, and Denial) and a victor is rowing yourself down the river looking at the future. Okay, taking ownership accountability and responsibility. So if you're able to take accountability and responsibility for your own behaviors,

My sense is that you might be interpreting my frustration or my fear or my anger as blame, but maybe it's not blame at all, right? Maybe it's just your frustration that might be coming from a different place. Maybe it's coming from fear. Fear really does sit at the core of most of our emotions. So you'd want to be able to say things like, I'm not blaming you for my feelings or so, because at the end of the day,

This is also super important. Nobody can make you feel a certain way. Nobody can make you feel a certain way. If somebody is blaming, okay, and you accept that blame, then you are giving them control over your feelings.

You are going to feel the way you are going to feel, but nobody is making you feel that way because it's your thoughts that are making you feel that way, not the other person. It's your thoughts about what the other person is saying to you that's making you feel a certain way. I'm going to say that again. It is your thoughts about what the other person is saying to you that's making you feel a certain way, but that person is not making you feel a certain way.

Okay, number three, be understanding. How do you get to yes? How do you get to yes? And that's what everybody wants to know. Like, how do we get to an agreement? I agree with part of what you're saying. So compromising, you're going to need to compromise and you're not going to see eye to eye on a lot of things, but make sure

you are showing that there is some level of understanding and that you can communicate that there are parts of what they're saying that you agree to. So you can't just shake it off and say, no, you look at it as a whole and you parse off the pieces that you do agree with. Understanding means appreciating somebody for hearing you out on your ideas. How are...

we going to do our parenting time or our parenting plan? What are the days that you want? What are the days that I want? You're going to need to allow for the other person to speak and you're gonna need to allow for the person to state why it's important to them to have these things this way. Make sure that you sit and you listen. Okay, it's not all about talking and making sure that you're

position is heard, but it's also making sure that you're appreciating when somebody else is allowing you to speak and allowing for your ideas to be shared. I appreciate your perspective. Again, softer way of saying, I don't agree, but you say, I appreciate your perspective, but can we explore both options? The one that you've put on the table and the one that I've put on the table.

And then the other part is that let's agree to include both of our ideas in creating this solution. So it's your idea with my idea and let's merge them together to come up with something that could be agreeable to both of us. Again, this is a negotiation just like any business negotiation, just like any contract review, there are going to be multiple iterations of your agreement.

that you're going to need to review and you might need to revisit it and jigger things around. That's just the way things work in divorce. So agreeing that you're going to listen to both ideas and try to come up with a mutual decision that works for both of you, but you're both not going to get everything that you want. the next one is being mindful. So I talked about accessing of the parasympathetic nervous system and understanding

The fact that you're going to need to learn how to calm yourself down. Okay. Being mindful, and understanding when you need to take a pause. I need to calm down. It's okay to tell that to your soon-to-be X. You realize that you're getting worked up. You've got heat flowing all through your body. Your heart rate is moving at a million miles an hour. You.

need to remove yourself from that situation in that moment very kindly, and you need to find a way to calm your body. I need to hit the pause button is a great way to stop everything in its tracks. I'm feeling overwhelmed. And we come back to this, I'm just too emotional. Okay. The second one, I know this is important. I definitely want to address it, but I'm just not feeling in control of my emotions right now.

let me collect my thoughts and so I can respond to you appropriately. And at the end, these are all the other decisions you can make. If you're having a hard time going face to face with your soon-to-be ex, and you know that you need to come to an agreement, if you're working in mediation, you can ask for caucus mediation, which means that you can separate yourself and work independently with that mediator. If you're finding that you're getting

way too worked up when you are going back and forth in the same room, you can do that with the mediator. Just ask for caucus mediation. It doesn't have to be every session, but it could be some of your sessions that something could be very triggering for you that you believe that you just can't keep your body in a calm state of mind. So you can ask for caucus. The other way to do it is via email.

So if there are certain things that you're really challenged with, if you've hired a mediator, just CC them, the mediator on the communications that you're having when you can be more thoughtful and write down what you're thinking. And I would say that's another way of keeping, once again, keeping yourself calm and being more mindful in your communication. Cause sometimes the collective communication is what brings us to a place where we just.

are getting too emotional in this very challenging time. So other ways to say it, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I just need to press pause. I have too many drops in my bucket. I don't know if you all have kids. We talk about filling our buckets with good things and good deeds every day, but just in the same sense, like our buckets also getting filled with all the challenging things that are happening to us every day. Maybe your boss yelled at you. Maybe you got stuck in traffic.

Maybe you got a flat tire. Maybe you forgot your lunch. Maybe your kid forgot their lunch. Maybe the babysitter called in sick. All these things, it's called drops in our bucket. And sometimes when we have so many drops in our bucket and it's about to overflow and somebody says something to us that normally we'd be able to manage, we might just lose it, right? And just completely go off the rails. So having some level of mindfulness of

how many drops you have in your bucket and make sure you're not scheduling time to talk about your divorce in a time period by which you just absolutely know you cannot take one more drop. So be mindful of that. Another one, second to last one is being assertive. So being assertive is still important and it's really about that stop action and it's a little bit more assertive than...

the previous one where you're able to take a pause and ask for a pause, but you can be pretty assertive in the sense that you can just say, need to stop for a while, need to get into the right mindset to think straight. So that's a little bit more direct in the way that you say, but these communication styles, depending on who you're soon to be X is, you know,

how sensitive they are or not sensitive, but in some cases they can handle you being assertive and saying, let's stop for a while. Let's get into the right mindset. Let's think straight. Let's take a break. Emotions too high, direct, direct, short, to the point. Think like, depart at that moment. I feel flooded, not thinking straight. Can we come back to this? Let's agree to disagree for right now. You can just table it. Just, or is that the right word? Table it, put it on the shelf.

Just for a while, just say, I got to disagree, but let me think about this and I'll get back to you. Let's press pause, regroup, and revisit later. So I'm giving you words. I am giving you techniques. I'm giving you a basis of understanding of what's happening in your body during these times so you can be a better communicator in this process, because I'll tell you, this really can derail pretty quickly.

if you don't master some of these techniques. Having an amicable resolution doesn't mean that everything is gonna feel good in your divorce process. Divorce sucks and or stinks and it doesn't feel good, right? But it can feel better if you learn how to communicate better and don't feel like you're constantly living in this world of attacks and threats. So.

What I'm trying to tell you all is that, it's not going to feel good, but this will make it feel better and it will make you feel so much better when it's done and you have that amicable resolution. And if you have kids, you're going to continue to use these techniques and how to communicate with your co-parent. And I'll tell you, if you use them, it'll be a beautiful co-parenting relationship you can establish.

The last one, and I can't stress this enough and how this works so well. Be appreciative. I see your point. I think that maybe we're both saying the same thing in different ways. Let's clarify. I appreciate your focus on the children. If you see your soon-to-be ex doing something great, appreciate them. Make sure they hear you say, thank you.

It feels good that we know that both of us are prioritizing the children in the same way. Appreciate how they're showing up when they're showing up well. They're not going to always show up well. Okay. But make sure you're not always telling them everything they're doing wrong. Make sure you appreciate them, appreciating them for what they are doing. Well, it's expressing gratitude. You have to express gratitude for all the good in your life. And if you have somebody that does something good,

Show them. I appreciate you wanting to make sure that I'm in a good position moving forward post-divorce. So I reached out to each one of you and I don't know if any of you are coming to this together in hopes for an amicable resolution. But if you're coming as an individual really wanting to make this amicable, I hope that you can have some compassion for your soon-to-be ex.

whether they're the one who decided to get divorced and it wasn't you, even so, I'm telling you, you can still be appreciative of the things that individual is doing well. If they're doing nine things that you believe are not good and they're doing the one thing that is good, if you appreciate them for the one thing, I guarantee you there'll be a second, a third and a fourth. People like to be appreciated. So please...

take this for what it's worth, it really helps. Another one, is flexibility. When you get to the point, if you have children, that you're trying to create parenting plans, really make sure that you keep this open line of communication around being flexible. If you've got double working parents, schedules change, and kids' schedules change, you are there to be working as a team. You're always gonna be a team.

You're always gonna be a family. It's just a re-envisioned family and you're going to need to learn how to cooperate and support each other even though you're not married. And the last one is when you do have a very good conversation, appreciate them for the way by which you got to communicate. I appreciate that we were able to talk this through in a calm manner today. It really felt good.

Appreciate it, the conversations that go really well.

Tania Leichliter (: 21:41

Thanks for tuning in to Better Than Bitter, navigating an amicable divorce. Whether you are at the beginning of your divorce journey, midway through, or even done, we want the stories from our guests to give you hope that an amicable resolution is possible. If you'd like to dive deeper into today's episode, check out our show notes for a full transcript, reflections, and links to learn more about Better Than Bitter's coaching courses,

and how to connect with our fabulous guests. If you're ready for more support, you can head over to betterthanbitter.coach. Daily, you'll find details and additional information on our five-step game plan multimedia course, our one-to-one Zoom coaching, group coaching, monthly memberships, events and retreats, and a whole lot more. Plus, we've got a ton of free resources, like our monthly newsletter,

our private Facebook group, Instagram channel, and a library of articles and free webinars to help you along the way. When you go to our website, you'll be able to schedule a free 45-minute breakthrough call. Remember, we're here to help you reach an amicable resolution. Find your courage and believe in your brighter future because you know what? It is possible.

At Better Than Bitter™, we measure success by what we give and not by what we get. So let's change the divorce dialogue together. It's time to be better than bitter.