Introduction (: 00:06

Welcome to the Better Than Bitter Divorce Podcast, where we flip the script on divorce and show you how to have a more amicable divorce resolution. I'm your host, Tania Leichliter a divorce coach, a certified life coach, and the mastermind behind the Better Than Bitter five-step game plan course, where I help individuals build a pathway towards a more amicable divorce resolution.

Each week, I'll bring you uplifting stories from people who've successfully experienced amicable separations, proving that divorce doesn't have to be a battleground. Whether you're overwhelmed with grief, struggling with custody and co-parenting, or just dealing with a high-conflict individual, this podcast is here to guide you towards reclaiming your life and being what I know is possible, better than bitter.

Tania Leichliter (: 00:03

This is Thanksgiving Special from CBS Newsradio. I'm Gil Gross. Over the last several years on this Thanksgiving Day special, we've talked about getting through the holiday dinner even though politics has some family members barely speaking. And by barely speaking, I mean, it's you. And maybe past the gravy or possibly just eating your turkey dry rather than even asking. What we haven't talked about, though, is the situation existed long before our political divide became an ocean and will still exist even if we all get back together again.

at the Thanksgiving dinner table, there is likely to be, even if it's only as they say for the sake of the children, a divorced or separated couple. How do they and the others sitting there negotiate this? Tonya Leichliter is an amicable divorce success coach who started better than bitter. And before I say anything else, first of all, welcome, which I suppose is something we won't hear from uncoached couples. And second of all, what is an amicable divorce success coach?

yeah. So I work on building pathways towards more amicable resolutions. So what I tell people is that, yeah, I'm not telling you that your divorce is going to be all warm and fuzzy and it's going to feel good when you're in the process, but it is in the preparation for the legal divorce. It is in the ability to process your emotional divorce before you step into that legal divorce arena. And

an amicable divorce success coach is really starting with you at the beginning stages of your journey and being able to coach you in ways by which you can have a more amicable resolution. And so we really do hold your hand and get you through that emotional divorce and also just manifesting that desired outcome. What is it that you want post-divorce and being able to work side by side with our clients.

all the way through the divorce process and beyond so they can have a brighter future. So Tania some people just seem to drift apart and I imagine it's easier for them to have an amicable divorce. look, other relationships are ended because of abuse, physical or psychological, often both, or affairs sometimes with people who were friends of the other's spouse. These are things that are kind of hard to be amicable about.

Yeah, I would say if there is physical abuse involved, yeah, a divorce coach is not going to be your first step. That really does require a lot of legal involvement. You need to get protection. You need to make sure you're safe. You need to make sure your children are safe. So we do not work with individuals that are coming from physical abuse. As it relates to emotional abuse, we definitely do work with individuals

who are dealing more with emotional abuse. We also definitely work with people who are having an affair. You know, those are just life circumstances that happen, but it doesn't mean that you have to hold on to that bitterness and resentment moving forward in your life. And if you do hold on to that bitterness and resentment, you're not gonna have that brighter future. So we really do get people to move through whatever that pain is, move through the fears of whatever they're fearing.

in a post-divorce situation and getting them to a point where they really recognize that divorce is just a legal negotiation. It is a divorce process. It is probably the most difficult business negotiation that they'll ever experience, but it is a business negotiation. And if you can not bring emotions into that legal negotiation, you will find that you will be better off in terms of what that divorce settlement looks like.

than if you make it an emotional roller coaster. Okay, let's get the Thanksgiving dinner. Let's do it. You really want to make sure that you recognize that these holidays are going to create complexity for you. So you want to make sure that you are in the right mindset and that you personally are prioritizing peace and prioritizing flexibility and prioritizing the well-being of your children and making sure that you're ready to approach the holiday season with this mindset.

The second thing is really putting your kids at the focus of this experience. So if you have children, whether they're young children or maybe they're adult children, maybe someone's divorce brought a new boyfriend or girlfriend to the table and you've got adult children who might even have their kids there for the first time, right? So how do you focus on this kid's experience? You want to make sure that you have established with your ex or soon to be ex,

the fact that this is a really important time, that you wanna make sure that your children feel special during this holiday season and that you recognize that it's not gonna look the same for them as it has in the past and acknowledging that this could be challenging for you because holidays really are about creating positive memories for our children. So make sure that you're making it extra special for them and having some level of awareness that

It's going to be different for everybody and communicating that to them specifically. What is the plan? We're going to wake up this morning. We're going to drive to grandma and grandpa's house. And these are the people that are going to be there. And these are the kind of experiences we're to have. I know that your dad's not going to be here this year, but we've invited X, Y, and Z people. And guess what? They haven't been here in two years. And aren't you excited to see your cousins?

making sure they know in the afternoon you're going to go with dad and you're going to go to his parents' house. And so and so is going to be there, making sure that you are communicating the plan to your kids, recognizing that, gosh, this is the first time I'm not going to have mom and dad in the same place over Thanksgiving. So on the flip side of that, my ex and I, well, we actually still share the holidays. So if you're somebody who's just in the divorce early stages and you're thinking about how you're going to divide your holidays,

I do want to throw it out there, especially for those who really aspire to a more amicable resolution. My ex and I share Thanksgiving and we share Christmas Day still. So the children, although the first year it felt kind of weird for mom and dad to be there as a divorced couple, now they're super used to it. And guess what? They get to experience the day with both of us. So keeping that open mind as to how you're creating your parenting plans and what you're doing for the holiday is super important.

This all sounds good and it all sounds like something I wonder if people with political differences who've ruined Thanksgiving dinners over the last many years now, whatever side they're on, can probably also take some of this. Hey, let's you know, let's let's just we like each other as people. just, you know, let's just enjoy our dinner. And often even in that, isn't nearly as personal or anything, it's.

It's something to be desired. A final question. What is the kind of long-term thing here? Is this like a short-term thing that is going to be where people say, look, we just need to get through the next kind of few years and then we'll move on. Nobody's expecting us all at dinners. I know some people say you should have, and you made an allusion to this earlier. You spend half the day at this dinner, and the other half of the day at that dinner, especially with the kids.

And that's it. But is there a phasing out of this at some point? At some point, you don't go to the dinners. I understand. So what you're really asking about is like, at what point does the discomfort start to dissipate? Yeah. So I would say that you know, you'll get a sense of where you are, because if you're somebody that has, you know, a family gathering more than once a year.

and you begin to bring a specific partner with this preemptive communication to the family or to the kids, checking in with the kids. I think that the more you check-in and start with more smaller gatherings, introducing them to people in...

you know, outside of the bigger gatherings, you know, maybe there's one-to-one connections with people in the family, or the more you talk about them, then I feel like it's not going to be an issue in the bigger picture. So we'll hear more from Tania about how to avoid some of those uncomfortable moments with divorced couples at the Thanksgiving Day table just ahead here on the Thanksgiving special from CBS Newsradio.

We're back with more of the Thanksgiving special from CBS News Radio. I'm Gil Gross and we've been talking about how to deal with a divorced couple that shows up or maybe doesn't. And that starts questions being asked at the Thanksgiving dinner table. We're talking with Tania Leichliter who is an amicable divorce success coach who started better than bitter. I think that the biggest sensitivity is children.

I think that the biggest sensitivity is to check in to make sure where their heads are and where their comfort levels are. I mean, the further out from the actual divorce you are, the more you will feel comfortable with going on with your life, right? If you have a very productive, collaborative, kind, and peaceful co-parenting relationship with your ex and there's communication on both sides, I believe that you can move through this discomfort.

faster. I'll just tell a quick story, before we go my son's a football player and he has football games and my ex-husband has a girlfriend. And I remember the first day, he told my son that he was bringing his girlfriend to the sidelines to watch the game, but he didn't tell me. And my son had told me that she was going to come and I

Really? I mean, I had so much discomfort, so much angst, so much overwhelm. And my gosh, she's going to sit on the sidelines amongst our community, amongst our friends watching my son, you know, all of those thoughts went through my head. And instead of avoiding the discomfort, I reached out to him and I just said, Hey, I realized that so-and-so is going to come with you to the game today. And just in the future.

if you wouldn't mind just letting me know she's going to come because it allows for me to prepare myself emotionally for, you know, for being able to be there with her at the same time. And I was like, and on top of that, since I've never met her before and she's going to be maybe part of our kids' lives, do you think you could bring her over to introduce her to me just so I can have more comfort around her so I don't feel this discomfort? So I faced my fear.

I communicated effectively and I was able to meet her that first time with tons of butterflies. But I'll tell you, after three times of her being there, nothing. I felt nothing anymore. Because I had met her because I went up to them every single time on the sidelines and just made it a point to put myself through that discomfort. The more you expose yourself, the less discomfort you will feel.

So I'm gonna put that out there to everybody who might be approaching the holidays and just know that the more that you expose yourself to that discomfort, the more that you allow yourself to feel the feels, the more that feeling and vibration in your body will dissipate. And the more that you don't run from people making those snide comments or maybe making a comment that makes you uncomfortable, it's okay to just approach it.

in a very matter-of-fact way and not to get reactive to it. But it's also important that you're not avoiding everything that you're feeling. Thank you, Tania. Tania Leichliter who is an amicable divorce success coach started better than bitter. We have more of the Thanksgiving Day special coming up here on CBS Newsradio.

Thanks for tuning in to Better Than Bitter™, navigating an amicable divorce. Whether you are at the beginning of your divorce journey, midway through, or even done, we want the stories from our guests to give you hope that an amicable resolution is possible. If you'd like to dive deeper into today's episode, check out our show notes for a full transcript, reflections, and links to learn more about Better Than Bitter's coaching courses, and how to connect with our fabulous guests. If you're ready for more support, you can head over to betterthanbitter.coach .

On our website you'll find details and additional information on our 5-Step Gameplan multimedia course, our different types of coaching methods, monthly memberships, events and retreats, and a whole lot more. Plus, we've got a ton of free resources, like our monthly newsletter, our private Facebook group, our Instagram channel, and a library of articles and free webinars to help you along the way. When you go to our website, you'll be able to schedule a free 45-minute breakthrough call. Remember, we're here to help you reach an amicable resolution. Find your courage and believe in your brighter future because you know what? It is possible.

At Better Than Bitter™, we measure success by what we give and not by what we get. So let's change the divorce dialogue together. It's time to be better than bitter.