Introduction (: 00:06

Welcome to the Better Than Bitter Divorce Podcast, where we flip the script on divorce and show you how to have a more amicable divorce resolution. I'm your host, Tania Leichliter a divorce coach, a certified life coach, and the mastermind behind the Better Than Bitter five-step game plan course, where I help individuals build a pathway towards a more amicable divorce resolution.

Each week, I'll bring you uplifting stories from people who've successfully experienced amicable separations, proving that divorce doesn't have to be a battleground. Whether you're overwhelmed with grief, struggling with custody and co-parenting, or just dealing with a high conflict individual, this podcast is here to guide you towards reclaiming your life and being what I know is possible, better than bitter.

Tania Leichliter (: 01:10

Hi and welcome to Better Than Bitter episode number 17. Today we are gonna be talking about divorcing a narcissist and how to heal and move forward. This is actually one of my webinars and so you're gonna be hearing the audio version of the webinar today and I'm excited to share it on my podcast.

Tania Leichliter (: 01:31

Today we're gonna be talking about healing from divorcing a narcissist and how to find freedom and peace of mind moving forward. So a little bit about me and Better Than Bitter. I'm Tania Leichliter I'm the founder and CEO of Better Than Bitter. And here I am to share my experience of how to achieve a positive, more amicable divorce, even if you are divorcing a narcissist.

and learning how getting prepared for an alternative dispute resolution like mediation will allow for you to ease your discomfort and enter into the legal process with the ability to push aside the emotional portion of your divorce. So I'm here to really drive change and to drive change around the divorce dialogue.

to make sure that amicable divorces are more prevalent in our society. 50 % of people are getting divorced and 50 % of those people who are getting divorced are succumbing to the legal process and having to spend tens to hundreds and thousands of dollars to get divorced. And during that process, they're creating long-lasting trauma for their children.

So here I am at Better Than Bitter trying to change that divorce dialogue and getting more people to divorce more amicably. So today what you're gonna learn is number one, understanding narcissistic behavior. Number two is letting go of the fixer mentality. Number three is really being able to get a sense of yourself in that process. Number four is setting boundaries.

and redefining your own personal narrative. Number five is the practicable steps to heal and move yourself forward. So what is that emotional toll of being married to a narcissist? I mean, so many of my clients come to me and believe that they are married to a narcissist. And just to be honest, a lot of us have some level of narcissism in our own personas.

There are different types of narcissists, meaning that there are grandiose narcissists, there are covert narcissists, and some of those are behavioral disorders. Narcissistic behavioral disorder is very different than just being a level of having narcissistic behaviors. So I just want to be clear on that because it is a buzzword right now, especially in divorce. So when you are married to a more grandiose narcissist,

It can feel very exhausting. You'll have a lot of grief and a lot of anger and especially a lot of self-doubt with the gaslighting. But it's getting to you to the point of understanding that you losing your own sense of identity is really tied up in that behavioral disorder. And so why is it challenging?

Well, because narcissists tend to use different tactics like manipulation and gaslighting, the emotional strain could be quite unrelenting. But it's really important to understand the thoughts around what you believe to be manipulation and gaslighting and to do a check-in around those. So we'll talk a little bit about that moving forward. So what are...

some of the narcissistic behaviors and why do narcissists act the way that they do? Well, many of them have very deep-seated childhood wounds and they have a need for control and admiration to mask some of their own insecurities, to mask some of the shame that they believe exists in their life. And shame, as Brene Brown says,

is that shame about believing that you're a bad person and not believing that you've done a bad thing? Believing that you've done a bad thing is more guilt and believing that you're a bad person is, where shame really comes from. And a lot of times when you have a very high level of shame, you don't allow vulnerability to have a presence in your life.

And so these kinds of deep-seated wounds of individuals that have been shamed most of their lives, they tend to have a real need for control because, at some point in their lives, they were being controlled themselves. So one of the insights that you can pull from this is that their behavior is a reflection of their own struggles and not their worth.

And when you believe that you understand that, when you don't translate what they are doing or what they are saying in terms of you not being enough, but yet understanding that is something that you can't control of their own reflection, of their own struggles, you'll begin to be able to move beyond that level of control that they've had over you and be able to regain your sense of self.

So some of the actionable tips that you can take. So detaching yourself from the blame is really just reminding yourself that their behavior is not your fault. I'm going to say that again. Detaching from the blame. If they are pointing fingers back at you, remind yourself that their behavior is not your fault. Make sure that you educate yourself.

read about narcissism. There's so much information about narcissism on the web and understanding that the patterns and the tactics that they might be using, such as gaslighting and manipulation, are different tactics that are used frequently by people who suffer from narcissistic behavioral disorder. And being able to reframe your own perspective, understanding that it's their actions

are a reflection of their own issues, not a reflection of your worth. And I know that when you are with an individual who is an actual narcissist, meaning somebody who has a narcissistic behavioral disorder, they want you to believe that it's you that's the problem. But yet if you can move beyond that,

to understand that their actions are reflections of their own issues and it just gives them more power to be able to blame you or be able to control you. You will be able to move beyond that control and especially in the divorce process, being able to have that check-in to remember that your life circumstances or things that they say or things that they do

It is your thoughts about them. It is the way you're thinking of the stories, the beliefs you are making up, just the way that you're thinking about things is making you feel a certain way. It's not what they say or what they do, which is making you feel. It's how you're thinking about it. And you have the ability to re-script and rethink and be able to better understand why they are doing what they're doing and move beyond that, grow above it.

and be able to say, it's not my own worth, that's just their control in trying to make me feel that way, that is the issue, and that I don't have to feel that way because I have the ability to re-script my own thinking. So how to release. So a lot of times people who are in narcissistic relationships, begin to become fixers. The harder that they...

try to love more is going to make them better. You know, so you take on this role of the fixer and that if you just believe that if you try harder or love them more, things would get better, but they just don't. You can't fix this. The truth is, is that you are not responsible for their happiness and nor are you responsible for their behaviors. So letting go

of the idea that you could have saved the relationship will free you from this guilt and allow you to focus on your own well-being. So how can you do some things for yourself? What are the actionable tips that you can take away from this? Well, number one is to acknowledge your limits. Understand that you cannot control or fix another person's behaviors. You can only

control your reactions to them. The second thing is just to journal your feelings. And I know that journaling is not for everybody, but what I'm telling you is if you write down the ways you have tried to make things better and release yourself from the responsibility that their happiness is not on your shoulders, you can't make somebody else happy. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, they need to be responsible for their own

happiness and just by trying to love them harder or do things better or Fix what they don't believe that they are You know making them try pumping them up is not going to make them feel any better So release yourself from that responsibility and the last thing is just affirm your worth remind yourself every single day that you are enough and Not only you are enough, but you are enough. Just the way that you are I know that some

of you who are in relationships believe that maybe you are not lovable. But the thing is, especially if you are married to somebody who's got a narcissistic behavioral disorder, is that they might not be love able. So that there's a difference between being lovable and being love able. So people who are not able to love,

might make you feel that you're not lovable, but you are lovable. You are lovable just the way you are.

So processing the grief and emotions that are tied to being married to a narcissist and trying to heal from that process is number one that you have to grieve the loss of the person that you became. So you might've started off in this relationship as one person and as the relationship went on, you lost that sense of self. You lost your authenticity. You lost that personal

individual that you had known yourself to be. And so grieving the loss of that person you became and, you know, divorce itself brings on these intense feelings of loss. And on top of that, you have to lose that person that you had become because it's not truly who you are. It's just who you have become. And in a narcissistic dynamic, emotions can be even more complex.

You grieve not just the end of a marriage, but this version of yourself that you lost along the way. So re-inviting and rediscovering your true self is something to look forward to and finding that person again, finding the person that you loved before that narcissist came into your life. That is where the joy comes in because you get to rediscover your authentic self.

So why does this matter? Well, grieving really allows for you to honor your feelings and it allows for you to begin to let go of the past. So here are some actionable tips that you can take in order for you to move yourself forward. Number one is to feel your emotions. Just allow yourself to feel. If you want to feel anger, feel anger, sadness, and even relief without judgment.

Just allow yourself to feel. I know that it's just easier to buffer, to overdrink, overeat, overspend, over scroll, over sex, whatever you are overing. It's very easy to avoid your emotions, but giving yourself the place to experience them and allow for them to be there and for you to name

those vibrations in your body, where you're feeling it. Do you feel it in your stomach? Do you feel it in your throat? Do you feel it in your chest? Allowing yourself to just say what you're feeling. Is it tightness? Is it jittery? Is it just feeling pain or maybe it's anything that you are experiencing? Just allow yourself to experience it. And naming it is really important.

I'm feeling tightness and I'm feeling it in my chest." And being able to say that out loud, the longer you let yourself feel it, the sooner it's going to go away. It will. It'll start to subside over time, but the more you avoid feeling, the longer it will stay with you. The next thing is to practice mindfulness and forgiveness. So focus on your breath when you're feeling overwhelmed. Emotions arise.

and they will tend to bring you back to the present, just giving yourself that breath, taking those four breaths in, holding the four breaths, letting those four breaths out, and then just sitting again with that exhale and forgiving yourself to relieve yourself from that burden of allowing yourself to be manipulated and controlled. You have to allow yourself to forgive yourself. It's not really...

forgiving the other persons for their actions, but it's just getting that burden of that resentment or manipulation and control off your shoulders, just relieving yourself from that burden. The last thing is seeking support. So consider therapy or a coach or any of the support groups. Here at Better Than Bitter, we have a weekly support group that I'd love for all of you to join. And we share these experiences with one another and you can get coached live.

and be able to be part of a community of people who are struggling with very similar divorce experiences. And this will get you to the place where this experience does not define you.

The next thing is how to reclaim your sense of self. So many times in narcissistic relationships, often allow for you to feel like you're invisible, like leaving your feeling of just feeling unsure of where you are and who you are. So we want to be able to get you to a place where you can get rid of that insecurity of who you are because for so many years…

That individual was putting you down, manipulating you, making you feel like you were crazy for saying or thinking what you were thinking. But yet that unsure feeling, that feeling of insecurity, you have the ability to move beyond that. So rebuilding your identity is going to be a vital step in this healing process. So why does it matter? Well, rediscovering your own needs, your own value, your passions.

Well, they will empower you to create a fulfilling life that centers around this well-being. So what are the actionable tips? So the first one is to rediscover your passions. And so figure out what your hobbies were. You know, if you have given up your entire sense of self for somebody else, you might have given up things that made you feel joy. Maybe you felt joy by going to concerts.

Maybe you felt joy in reading books with your friends and joining a book club. Maybe you used to love to go hiking and you could find people to hike with. Maybe it's just about taking your dog to a dog park and meeting new people because animals give you joy. Whatever your interests may be, make sure you find them and reconnect with them. And if you never really had any, go find new ones.

Figure out where that joy comes from. It could be aesthetic joy. It could be just going and looking at the scenery that makes you happy, whether that's out in the wilderness or museums, or it could be aquariums, or it could just be, again, a bookstore. I don't care what it is, rediscover your passions. The next thing is setting boundaries. Learning to say no to things that don't align with your values.

When you love unconditionally, you have the ability to say no because you can say, I am not going to do that, but it doesn't make me love you any less. Okay? So being able to understand it's okay to say no if things don't align with your values. So the last one is to visualize your future. It's about manifesting your desired outcome, imagining the life you want, and starting

that life by taking small steps towards it.

So the next thing is about identifying and honoring your needs. Are you struggling to identify your own needs? So many people who have been in relationships with narcissists struggle to identify their own needs because they're always putting other people in front of themselves. Since you've spent so much time prioritizing someone else's needs, it's time to figure out what your own needs are. Why does this matter?

It just matters because you need to be asking for them to be met. Your own needs to be met, which is the key to forming healthy relationships moving forward. You don't want to re-have this in a specific relationship.

in your life. Like you don't want this to be a replay. You don't want to go into a new relationship that's going to be exactly like the one that you had before. Because a lot of people have been in this same relationship for so long that they don't even understand what it was about that relationship that had so much control over them. So being able to recognize your needs and then asking for them to be met is going to be challenging for you at the beginning.

But know that it is the key to forming healthy relationships moving forward.

So what are the actionable tips? Well, number one, it's important to practice self-reflection. So write down what you need emotionally, write down what you need physically, write down what you need mentally to feel whole. Seek healthy entitlement, meaning that remind yourself that it's okay to ask for what you need. And even if you don't always get it, still ask. It is okay to ask.

The worst thing that's going to happen is you could shut down and somebody says no, but if you don't ask, you won't get it. Then you want to celebrate small wins. Each time you advocate for yourself, acknowledge the progress you're making. Literally, give yourself a pat on the back. Advocate for yourself. Feel good about the fact you've advocated for yourself. Acknowledge that you're making progress. This is a huge step from where you came from.

So identifying and honoring your own needs, are you somebody who's struggling with this? So again, it is really challenging to get to this point.

So, most importantly, it's important to forgive yourself in order to free yourself of the burden of this individual who you believe has been manipulating you. So, forgiveness is often misunderstood. It's not about excusing the narcissistic behavior or reconciling that it's about freeing yourself from the emotional hold that they have on you.

Why does this really matter? Because if you hold onto the anger or the resentment that keeps you tied to the pain of the past, forgiveness will allow for you to move yourself forward unburdened. So holding onto the anger, like I said, will keep you tied to the pain of the past. So don't you want to be able to move your life forward? Don't you want to feel unburdened? And forgiveness...

is the only way you're going to get there.

What are actionable tips? So actionable tips are about shifting your focus. So instead of dwelling on their actions, focus on what you've learned and how you've grown. Write a letter, but don't send it. Express your feelings and then symbiotically release them by tearing it up or burning the letter. I call this a burn. Get it all out on paper and then

Go ahead, tear it up, burn it up. Do anything that allows for you to symbiotically release what you are feeling. And then practice compassion for yourself. Recognize that forgiveness is a process and give yourself grace as you work through it.

The next step is defining your own narrative. So being able to redefine your narrative is all about the fact that divorce can feel like the end of your story, but it's not. It's just a new chapter and it's actually a chance to write a new story. So rescripting your narrative involves shifting yourself from victimhood to empowerment. And why this matters is the fact that when you frame your story and you can shape it

how you want it to move forward. And then by focusing on resilience and growth, you can actually create a pathway to a brighter future.

So some of the actionable tips in order to move yourself forward is number one is to renegotiate your beliefs. Challenge the idea that divorce is not about failure. It's not. Instead, it's a catalyst for growth. Think of that big red button in front of you and pushing that red button and saying, okay, time to grow.

Okay, you want to celebrate these small victories and acknowledge the progress, no matter how small they are. Create a vision board, get the magazines out, get your photographs out, cut them all up, and use images and words that represent the life that you want to build.

And then you want to set boundaries, setting boundaries for future interactions. If you share children with a narcissistic ex, complete separation may not be possible. So establishing clear boundaries is going to be essential for your health. So why this matters, boundaries will protect your energy and help you maintain control of your life. And so boundaries are not about demands and they're not about threats.

And they're not about attacks. Boundaries are really simple. Boundaries are about understanding behaviors that are habitual. And before the habits are executed, you create a boundary and a consequence. If somebody is late all the time and you know that they're going to be late, or you anticipate them being late, just let them know. Say,

't see that you've arrived by: 12:15

her's time. So I'll wait till: 12:15

want to be informative. You want to make sure you do something friendly and say that they're good at something and that you appreciate them for X, and Z. But then again, you want to set the clear boundary of what the consequence is going to be. You're going to leave if they're not there by 12.15. Again, you don't want to say it in a negative tone. You just want to say it as a matter of fact.

So some of the actionable tips. Again, you keep the communication brief, just like I just gave the example. You want to use the BIF method, brief, informative, friendly, and firm. You want to make sure you're sticking to a schedule. Create a consistent parenting plan to minimize the conflict. And then also, if there needs to be flexibility in that plan, you create a plan around flexibility. If we are talking about the upcoming weekend on Thursdays, if there needs to be any changes to the schedule, that is when we need to communicate that we're requesting a change.

So whatever the change mechanism and the flexibility clause that you have, make sure that you stay consistent with that. And then you want to lean on third parties. Like Our Family Wizard is a really great app that you can use. Talking Parents is another one. You can use mediators if you're having issues. But again, there are lots of tools out there that allow for communication that will move you in the right direction.

So the next step is embracing the power of resilience. So healing is not linear. mean, being married to a narcissist or somebody who has any level of narcissistic behaviors that you believe have been really detrimental to feeling good about yourself, the healing isn't linear and setbacks are inevitable. And again, you're going to one day feel worthy in the next day and empowered in the next day, you may feel horrible.

Again, you just have to keep on reminding yourself that one individual does not have the ability to make you feel a certain way about yourself. That the only person who has control over the way you feel is you. And a lot of the ways that you feel about yourself are based on the thoughts that you have around what somebody else says or does, or the thoughts that you have about things that are done or things that have taken place as facts.

So again, it is your thoughts, it is the stories, it is your belief system that is making you feel a certain way. So checking back in with yourself and being able to understand how your thoughts are creating these feelings will really allow you to understand that these setbacks are going to be inevitable. You're going to go off on a tangent, you're going to ruminate over things but just do a check-in. Understand where it's coming from. And when other people...

When you begin to point blame back at other people for making you feel a certain way, you are giving them all of the power over your emotions. And you don't want to give power back to other people. You want to take the power of your own emotions because they are your emotions and you are in charge of how you think about things and those thoughts are creating those emotions. So don't point blame back at other people saying that they made me feel a certain way. That's just giving them power.

So every step of the way, you have to understand that growth and self-compassion are what are going to strengthen your own resilience. And why this matters is that resilience really helps you navigate challenges and it helps you embrace the life you are waiting for on the other side of divorce. So divorce is change and being able to have resilience around change is your superpower, not anybody else's.

So some of the actionable tips is number one is reframe your challenges. See obstacles as opportunities to grow. Practice gratitude every morning. Stop talking about the woe is me and focus on what you have, not on what you lost. And the last one is just keep moving forward. Trust that each step is bringing you closer to freedom and peace and being able to start a new chapter in your life.

So your journey to freedom and peace. Divorcing a narcissist, I know it can be the hardest thing that you have ever faced. And it is not going to be easy because most likely they are highly conflict individuals. But if you can look at it as an opportunity to number one, rediscover your own strengths, rewrite your story, honor your emotions, prioritize your own healing.

and you can move forward with clarity and confidence and peace about your own future, you can do this. It's about building resilience. It is about taking on those challenges. It's about re-scripting and being able to understand that you cannot control this individual, but you can control your reactions to them. And so it's time to work.

towards a more amicable resolution. And I know you believe at this point that like you're trying to divorce a narcissist and there's absolutely no way you're going to be able to get to an amicable resolution. Well, I am challenging you. You can And you can if you really believe that you can communicate with a high-conflict individual with some of the tools and techniques that we can provide. So,

We do have a support group here at Better Than Bitter, and I'm gonna take the opportunity to let you know that we have launched our support group membership. And part of that membership, you do get weekly support. So we have an incredible support group. You can get coached live. You also can develop an incredible community of individuals who are going through a similar process. But on top of that, you also have access to incredible resources.

incredible library of webinars, mini courses, and articles that can help you regain and reclaim your life. And you have unlimited access to this each month. And we also have special offers on our five-step game plan course, as well as offers from different types of divorce professionals that can support you as well. So take advantage of that support group.

So you can go ahead and look in our show notes for any information about our support group, as well as learning about our courses. And we look forward to getting in touch with each one of you.

Tania Leichliter (: 33:19

Thanks for tuning in to Better Than Bitter, navigating an amicable divorce. Whether you are at the beginning of your divorce journey, midway through, or even done, we want the stories from our guests to give you hope that an amicable resolution is possible. If you'd like to dive deeper into today's episode, check out our show notes for a full transcript, reflections, and links to learn more about Better Than Bitter's coaching courses,

and how to connect with our fabulous guests. If you're ready for more support, you can head over to betterthanbitter.coach. Daily, you'll find details and additional information on our five-step game plan multimedia course, our one-to-one Zoom coaching, group coaching, monthly memberships, events and retreats, and a whole lot more. Plus, we've got a ton of free resources, like our monthly newsletter,

our private Facebook group, Instagram channel, and a library of articles and free webinars to help you along the way. When you go to our website, you'll be able to schedule a free 45-minute breakthrough call. Remember, we're here to help you reach an amicable resolution. Find your courage and believe in your brighter future because you know what? It is possible.

At Better Than Bitter, we measure success by what we give and not by what we get. So let's change the divorce dialogue together. It's time to be better than bitter.