Tania Leichliter (: 00:00

Welcome to another episode of the Better Than Bitter podcast. Over the next few days, we are going to be releasing our five-day challenge. That was a workshop that we ran through our Facebook Live streaming technology of our Better Than Bitter Navigating an Amicable Divorce Facebook group.

I'm excited to share the audio version of this five-day challenge workshop from surviving to thriving, reclaiming you in divorce and beyond. Over the next few days, you will get to listen to all of the different playbacks of that workshop that we ran. You will learn not only about how to reconnect and clean out the clutter, the emotional clutter for your life, making way for a brighter future, but you'll learn how to recalibrate.

recalibrating towards results and growth, embracing abundance and authenticity. You will learn how to embrace and embrace the new you, the new you that you discover through this process. And you will learn how to manifest your desired outcome. Time to thrive. You will be able to decide what you want in your future and set goals for yourself in that journey. We are excited that you are here to join us in this five-day challenge.

And if you are interested in having the playbacks of the presentations as well as the incredible workbook that goes alongside of it, please make sure you look at our support group membership at betterthanbitter.coach. All of that information will be in our show notes as well as being able to go to our website to see the offer. For a limited time, we are offering two months for the price of one in our support group membership. You will get

eight weeks of support group, as well as access to his library of resources, articles, mini-courses, and webinars, as well as special offers from our divorce professionals, as well as an incredible discount offer for our flagship course, which is called the Five Step Game Plan Course, Building a Pathway Towards a More Amicable Divorce Resolution. We are excited for you to take the first step in listening to this podcast.

But again, so many incredible resources at betterthanbitter.coach. So we hope that we can partner with you and get you through this journey and well beyond.

Introduction (: 02:30

Welcome to the Better Than Bitter Divorce Podcast, where we flip the script on divorce and show you how to have a more amicable divorce resolution. I'm your host, Tania Leichliter a divorce coach, a certified life coach, and the mastermind behind the Better Than Bitter five-step game plan course, where I help individuals build a pathway towards a more amicable divorce resolution.

Each week, I'll bring you uplifting stories from people who've successfully experienced amicable separations, proving that divorce doesn't have to be a battleground. Whether you're overwhelmed with grief, struggling with custody and co-parenting, or just dealing with a high-conflict individual, this podcast is here to guide you towards reclaiming your life and being what I know is possible, better than bitter.

Marjorie Opendo (: 03:31

Hello everyone and thank you so much for coming and joining us for the second day of our five-day challenge from surviving to thriving, reclaiming you during divorce and beyond.

So today we are going to be talking about enduring, cleaning out the clutter and

For those of you who did not make it yesterday, I am Tania Leichliter I am CEO and founder of Better Than Bitter, where we help build pathways to a more amicable divorce resolution. And I'm happy again for us to meet again today to really conquer day two. So to get us all started, I would just want to go over our agenda for the day. So today we are going to start with just the recap, a recap of what we did yesterday.

reconnecting with our authentic selves. And then we're going to move into cleaning out the clutter. We'll move into building the I can and I will statements with gratitude for the I am and I have. And then we are going to do a really fun exercise. And I don't know if we'll get through it all tonight on the phone or on the webinar, but again, something for you to finish off at home.

but discovering your word of the year. So I'm excited to unveil what that even means.

So divorce isn't just about legal decisions, right? I mean, divorce is really an emotional whirlwind and one that is going to create so much emotional clutter for you. Anger, sadness, guilt, regret, it just continues to pile up. It's kind of like your basement or your utility room where literally

All of the stuff that is coming out of your house is being piled up in one space and you go down there and sometimes you can't even move because there's so much clutter. So when your mind is so full of worry and resentment and fear, it is so hard to make decisions. So you find yourself completely paralyzed and just not even doing anything, not moving forward. And when you're feeling that mental fog,

when you're feeling that just that weight on your shoulder, you just carry this incredible amount of resentment and anger because you just literally cannot move right. So today we are going to help you move that clutter. let you know that you're not alone like this is just so common for where you are in your process. Just know that this is something that

a lot of people are going through and I talk to so many people that I coach and this is just where they're stuck. They're so bombarded with all of this emotional weight that they just can't seem to get through. So let's recap on yesterday. Okay, let's reflect on reconnecting with your authentic self.

So if you went home last night and spent time doing that, give me one word you felt after you were able to write that down, being able to commit to a new sense of self, write down one word that describes how you felt.

I want you to think about what resonated with you the most in that process. And so once you did that, how many of you went ahead and wrote it on a piece of paper and put it on a mirror?

So that means that you are fully on board with that commitment statement and that you believe that you can move yourself forward and look at that every day with a new level of motivation. The next thing I want you to do is I want you to take that piece of paper, photocopy it, rewrite it, that commitment statement, and I

you to send that to yourself. I want you to put that in an envelope, put a stamp on it, and I want that to be postmarked with a date. So when you get it back, you have that letter. It's postmarked with a date to remind you of the date that you committed to yourself that this is going to be the new you. Okay, you're going to take the good things from what you were in your past at

to the good things that where you are right now, you've molded those all together and you've made that commitment to yourself.

So the next step is cleaning out the clutter. So I know it's really hard because I know that divorce is not just your relationship with one individual, right? Your divorce is really the relationship that you have with almost everybody in your life, whether it's your children and your friend group and your family and your soon-to-be ex's family.

even maybe in the workplace, So I know that divorce isn't just like a one-to-one balance that you're trying to recreate. It's affecting you in so much of a bigger way and it affects your mental and emotional space in so many overwhelming ways. So I want to do a little visualization with you.

I want everybody to close your eyes. I want you to imagine that emotional state as a room. Okay. imagine that emotional state that you're currently in as a room. What does it look like? What's in it? What does it feel like? What does it smell like? What is that room that you are sitting in right now?

Is it filled with worry and self-doubt and resentment?

Think about that. Are you navigating through piles of past arguments and stacks of fear and just interactions that you have regret about? I want you to really visualize what that room looks like, what is in it, what it feels like, what it smells like.

And what are the ruminating thoughts that keep going through your mind that are allowing for all that clutter to be there? your drawers, are they overflowing right now in that room with what if, what if, what if, what if? Are your boxes labeled guilt, shame, embarrassment, or regret? What are those boxes labeled in that room?

Do your emotions feel heavy, like big blocks of furniture? Like are you sitting under a really heavy couch and you just can't get out? Recognizing your clutter, recognizing what's in your room is the first step for clearing that space. Clearing that space for healing, clearing that space for growth, and clearing that space for a fresh

Start.

So why does this matter that you have this visualization? Why does it matter for you to get a vision of what this room is? Well, the problem is, is that this emotional clutter, this vision that you're having of where you are sitting in your day-to-day, it's just easy to feel stuck. It's like easy to just get stuck underneath that couch that literally an enormous giant is sitting on top of and you literally can't move that couch.

off of you, right? So clarity feels impossible. The weight of all of this could be so exhausting. So the goal isn't to clear everything in one day because healing takes time. But by starting to identify each one of those things in your room, by starting to identify what is ruminating, what those drawers are overflowing with is so important because that's when you begin

to be able to visualize the next stage, which is how am I going to clean up this room? How am I day by day going to put away the pieces? I don't know about you guys, but I have teenagers and my teenagers' rooms are freaking disaster, right? Sometimes I look in those rooms and I'm like, my gosh, it is going to take literally two full eight-hour days to put everything away. Well,

You can do those projects in one day, working eight hours a day to try to get it done, or you do a little bit at a time, right? You decide to start with the dresser, and then you move to the closet, and then you move to the laundry baskets, and then you move to the floor. So again, having that visualization for how you're going to start to move things out of your room and fold them nicely and

put them away.

So I want you to do an exercise for me. I want you on a scale of one to 10, one being completely overwhelmed and 10 being emotionally clear. I want you to tell me how much emotional clutter are you carrying today. One being overwhelmed and 10 being free and clear.

And if you feel up for it, go ahead and put it in the comments on Facebook or in the chat on Zoom.

So I want you now to get out that piece of paper and write down some of the emotions that are taking up the most space for you. So again, reflect back on when you closed your eyes and you were sitting in that room. And like I said, you had drawers that were overflowing. You might've had heavy furniture. You had clutter everywhere. And you began to envision what some of that noise was.

that was taking up so much space in the chat or the comments, go ahead and tell me those emotions that are taking up the most space for you. And then I want you again in the comments or in the chat, if they were actual objects, okay, like a couch, what would that inanimate object be that is that emotion that is taking up the most space?

So go ahead and put that in the chat for me. I'm gonna take a look at some of the things that you guys are saying. Be creative. Think about all those amazingly inanimate objects that you're thinking of, right? So write down again, let us know what that emotion is and let us know if you can create some visual around what kind of inanimate object that might be.

it feels like a couch that is literally sitting on my body or it could feel like a sword in my stomach

it could feel like somebody has a noose around your neck. Again, we're trying to connect that emotion to what does it feel like?

So the next step is the belief, when we're mastering our mindset, and we go a lot deeper into my five-step game plan course on terms of mindset mastery, but what I want you to know is that it is not the facts in your life that are making you feel, okay? It is not the fact that maybe your spouse had an affair, which is the fact.

that's making you feel inadequate. It is the thought about them having the affair that's making you feel inadequate. So because they're having an affair, you might have a belief that you weren't enough, right? That makes you feel inadequate. But the fact

It is not a fact that you are not enough. Okay, that's not a fact. It's just the belief that you've created for yourself, right?

What is the thought that's going through your mind that's making you feel that way? Because again, you have the ability to have an emotion like sadness and that sadness feels like something, you know, is crushing your heart, right? But there's a thought.

that's making you feel sad. And what is that thought? What is that thought? Because I want to challenge all of you to know that your thoughts are not facts. They're stories and beliefs that you are making up about whatever's going on in your life. And so you have the ability to flip that script. So you're going to need to spend some time on this on your own,

the reason why they're there is because a thought is happening. So do that thought to download, correlate it to that emotion, and then try to flip that script and figure out if there's another way of thinking? right. And if you thought about things a different way, would that bring on another emotion for you?

Okay, so we're gonna take a moment just to reflect on some of the emotions that are most present in your life.

how are they cluttering your ability to think clearly? what can you start to clear out? And when I was telling you that we are in control of our thoughts, that is one way you can begin to declutter your mind. Because you can flip the script and think about things differently. All right? Again, and go back to the affair.

So your spouse had an affair. You believe, okay, the thought that comes to you is that I must not have been enough, right? And that created a feeling of being inadequate. Well, is that absolutely true? Do you know that being inadequate is an absolutely true statement? No, you don't. Could you maybe flip the script on that and think that

the reason that they had an affair may have had nothing to do with you. It might have been something about their own inadequacies and needing for validation, right? So there's different ways you can think about things that will make you feel differently. And I want you to start clearing out your mind because one by one, you can do this and then you can fold that up and then you can tuck it into a drawer.

And you can neatly start to work through all of those grieving emotions. Not to say that like you shouldn't sit with your emotions and you shouldn't feel them. talked a lot about the vitals. We talked a lot about being able to say what the emotion is, vent the emotion, say it out loud, acknowledge that it's there, and sit with that emotion. How is it feeling in your body? But at some point, you got to fold that up.

and begin to rethink because again, those thoughts are what are creating those emotions and it's important that you process them, rethink them if they're not absolutely true, and put them away in a drawer. Okay, so what emotions do you feel are getting in the way of your healing because you just haven't been able to get out of these ruminating thoughts that you're having about them?

What do the emotions feel like in terms of which are the ones that are feeling that they're getting in the way of your healing? What feelings are you avoiding? Which ones are you suppressing? Avoiding means that you don't even want to deal with them. Suppressing means you've had them, but then you're trying to buffer them down. So maybe overeating, over drinking, overspending.

over scrolling, over binge TV watching, over sexing, maybe you're doing all those things. That's like a suppressor, right? You're buffering those emotions. So what's one small way that you can begin to clear some of this emotional clutter out? Okay, I gave you some tools in your toolbox. You're going to rethink. By rethinking, you will re-feel. And when you feel different, you are gonna act, react, and behave in a

different way. And when you are acting, reacting, and behaving as a result of a different, more positive emotion, right, you will get the results that you're looking for in your life.

The thought work is very important and you're going to test yourself in every sense of the word. Every time something comes up in your mind, thought you'd be like, hmm, do I absolutely know that's true? Because if you don't, you have the opportunity to rethink it, to refuel it, to act and react in a different way. we're going to move forward to the building I can and I will mindset.

with gratitude for the I am and I have. Divorce can feel like it completely strips away your own control. You feel powerless. The words that we use to shape our beliefs and influence how we navigate these challenges are real. So what we repeatedly tell ourselves impacts our confidence, those ruminating thoughts, the self-talk, the self-compassion.

If you don't have self-compassion, if you are not talking to yourself the way you would talk to a friend, then you are going to lack in that confidence. You can't talk to yourself that way. You need to talk to yourself with kindness and love, just like you would talk to your best friend. Okay? You wouldn't tell your friends that they were, hey, you're such a horrible person. Why didn't you do this, this, and this? You would never talk to your friend like that.

So make sure you're not beating yourself up. Talk to yourself as if you were talking to your friend. So these power statements they're gonna help shift your mindset from doubt and uncertainty to strength and clarity. So we're gonna use some very intentional language that can help regain some control and build some emotional stability for yourself. So why it matters, the I can and I will mindset, it reinforces

the belief in your ability to handle what's about to come next. Because like I said, the legal process is hard. And if you're not emotionally ready for it, you're just not going to be able to handle it from a place of clarity, clear-mindedness, peace, and calm. Because if you allow for your amygdala, which is the nervous system, to start going, fight, flight, and freeze,

Right? If you walk into every mediation negotiation session in that high alert, you're not going to be able to think rationally and logically about what's going to be best for not just yourself, but your children and your co-parenting relationship in the future. Even in difficult situations, if you are capable of making empowered decisions moving forward with some of these, I can and I will. And that's how you have to enter into every single

Legal negotiation with a mediator or with your attorney. I can and I will okay get through this. You are going to get through this and you're going to get through it with courage. Okay, that's the most important thing. These types of statements will hold create these mental anchors anchors for you shifting from a fear based thoughts to an action oriented belief. Okay, then it moves into the I am and I have.

We all have to make sure that you say those things to yourself. I am strong. I am courageous. I am hopeful, right? And the I have, I have love in my life. I have a roof over my head. I have children that love me. I have a family support system, whatever you have. I'm not telling everybody has all those things. I'm just saying that everybody has something, right?

And we have to focus on the I am and I have statements so you can have self-worth, and some gratitude for what you do have, which will build that stability back into your life. So these statements are going to remind yourself of your strength. They're going to remind yourself of the resources you do have, even if things right now feel very unknown and uncertain. So no matter how shaky your life feels right now, you are going to be able to build a solid foundation.

for you to move forward if you have these types of statements that you say to yourself regularly. You're gonna have four different columns. These are some of the statements that are gonna say on the left-hand column, and then you're gonna have four other

columns after it. So all these statements here are the I can'ts. So the I can'ts are in the first column. Okay. And then you have four other columns. I can, I will, I am, I have. Okay. These are all the I can't where your mind might be sitting right now in all of these I can'ts and we are going to re-script. Okay. I'm going to read the I can'ts.

I'll never feel happy again. I don't have the confidence to move forward. I'm afraid I'm going to make a wrong decision. I feel lost without my partner. I can't financially support myself. I don't know how to raise my kids alone. I'm afraid I won't be a good single parent. I don't know how to manage my finances.

I don't know how to co-parent effectively. I can't even stand my soon-to-be ex at this point. I don't know how we're going to co-parent. My kids are going to suffer because of this divorce. These are all statements that so many people who are going through divorce are rumining over every single day. I want you to do the work where you are saying, I can do this alone. I know.

that I will feel happy again. I am strong. I am courageous. I have lots of love in my life. Okay. Again, it doesn't have to be with that one partner, but you can, you will, you are, and you have different things that you need to be focusing on instead of the I can'ts. And each time you say, I can't,

I want you to have some sort of jar on your counter that you throw a bean into or a penny, or you tell yourself a little IOUs, put some demerits on the wall, like whatever you need to do to kind of focus in on how many times a day are these thoughts ruminating in your mind, just so you can bring some awareness to them. And then I want you to re-script.

into the I can, I will, I am, and I.

All right, we're going to move to the next one. So again, the I cans identify what is within your control and what actions you can take no matter how small the I wills as I commit to a step forward that aligns with your goals and healing. I will call a mediator next week. I will.

There are lots of things that have to get done in divorce, right? So make sure you're taking baby steps at things you can do and you will do and making those goals against those. I am reinforce your identity with the affirmations. Remind yourself of that self-commitment statement that we did and make sure that you are aligning those with strength and resilience. And I have recognized with gratitude the resources, the support your inner.

qualities that you already do possess. So the next one, the next one is the guiding force for discovering your word of the year. So if you are somebody who does New Year's resolutions every year, go ahead and say yes in the chat or in the comments. And then after you say yes,

I want to know how long you actually stay committed to that New Year's resolution. Just let me know if anybody does them because this is kind of a new thing. This is discovering your word of the year. So instead of doing New Year's resolutions, since resolutions usually fail, I'm going to exercise three days a week. I'm going to stop eating sugar. I'm going to stop drinking. Everybody has their New Year's resolutions that usually don't last very long. So

The word of the year is different. It's going to act as an anchor. It's going to help guide decision-making for you. It's going to encourage your growth. It's going to be just a daily reminder, a single word, and it's not going to be rigid. It's not going to be rigid because it's going to have a lot of different juicy components to it that will make you feel that you're connected to that word in a variety of different ways. So why does it matter?

It matters because it's just going to help us stay focused on what's important to us. It's going to remind us in this transition who what we really want to stand for right and who we want to be but it's just going to be one word. It's going to act as kind of a personal mantra bringing you back to like some of your intentions when you're feeling lost. It's just that one word that's going to bring you back where you can center yourself.

It's going to serve as a touchstone for during those moments when there are a lot of overwhelming things happening, a lot of uncertainty. So again, it's going to be something that you can look at and you're like, all right, yep, yep, I got it. This is my word. And then it's just going to function as a compass. It's just going to function as your guiding light moving forward. So let's try to figure out what our words are. So we are going to have four different steps as part of this.

so step one,

who do I want to be? What do I want to experience? And what do I want to do to bring bring into my life? Those are the three different columns that you're going to just write singular words that describe it. Okay, the second step is going to be narrowing it down. We're going to be circling the words that are most meaningful to us. Then you're going to choose your embody word.

and then you're gonna put it into action. So we're gonna go into more detail. So step one, who do I wanna be and what do I want to do?

Be, experience and bring. So you want to list your qualities and strengths or attributes that you want to embody. identify the emotions, adventures, know, transformations, the experiences that you want to have. And then

What do you want to bring? Think about the relationships, the opportunities, the habits that you want to form, right? So the B is the qualities, the strength, and the attributes, the experience is the emotions, the adventures, the transformations. And then the bring is your relationships, your opportunities, the habits that you want to bring into your life. So each three of those columns, you're just writing multiple words, you know, kind of just do a data dump.

on words that resonate with you under those three categories. But I just want to give you some examples. I want to be confident. I want to be resilient. I want to be joyful, empowered, and authentic.

I want to experience peace. want to experience the excitement. I want to experience love, financial independence, and freedom. I want to bring healthy boundaries, supportive friendships, new opportunities, personal growth, work-life balance. Okay, so these are just some examples. So if you are at home and doing this, again, try to come up with your own words and descriptions here.

So the next thing you want to do is you want to look at your responses and I want you to begin circling words or ideas that resonate most deeply for you. Okay. I want you to write down five or seven words. Okay. They don't even have to be words that are on your table, but it's ones that now that you're piecing them all together, circling the ones that are the best. Now I want you to write down five to seven words that kind of describe those words. Okay.

five or seven words that are either being pulled from those lists or together are vibing towards a different word. Right. And then I want you to say each word out loud. Audacious, you know, or fantastical. Again, find your word that is connected to all of the B.

bring and experience. So those, like I said, are a combination of new words and you want to see if it inspires action or clarity. saying the word out loud, does it feel right? Does that sound like my word? Does it inspire action and clarity? So I can't wait. I'm going to test you guys all tomorrow. I want to hear some of these words. So again, once you've done that, you're going to choose your one word.

You're going to choose your one word. You're going to visualize what it would feel like to embody this word every single day. Every single day. How would it feel if that was the word that described how you showed up for yourself every single day?

again, there'll be lots of actions that will be associated with that word. But this is kind of your one big

put it on a piece of paper. You're gonna stick it on your mirror. You're gonna put it on in a journal. Maybe it's your phone wallpaper. Maybe you create something that just allows for you to look at this word every day. Make sure that that affirmation is something that's visible to you. Again, you can stick that in the mailbox, put that stamp on it, get that mail to you, reminding yourself again that that is something you're committing to.

and then use it as a decision-making tool when faced with choices. Am I doing this in an audacious way? Ask yourself, did I just do that in that way that my word would have described it to be? Because you want to do that check-in. Maybe your word is courageous. And every single time you take an action, you want to ask yourself, did I just do that with courage?

It'll motivate you and move yourself forward again from going from surviving to thriving.

So in conclusion we are just going to focus on what the problem and solutions that we solve for today. So the problem is that when your mind is so full of worry, resentment, fear, and so much of that emotional clutter, it becomes so much harder to make decisions because you don't have a clear head. You're being foggy. Your head is so foggy that you're not allowing your kind of rational, logical brain to work.

beat down by way too much clutter. So by recognizing what's taking up your space, by making sure that you understand all those emotions and putting some inanimate object visualization to those emotions that you're having, and then visualizing how you can fold up those emotions and begin to put things back in order. And you do that by rethinking, by changing your

your dialogue, your inner dialogue by making sure that your belief system, the stories that you're telling yourself, you're asking yourself, are those actually true? Like, why do I continue to think that way? Do I know at 100 % that that's true? Because if it's not, you have the ability to rethink. And so again, it's those thoughts that are creating all of those emotions and all those emotions are what creating that clutter in your brain. So when you can

to have more understanding of what those are, you can begin to get yourself

Go work on those words.

Tania Leichliter (: 33:45

Thanks for tuning in to Better Than Bitter, navigating an amicable divorce. Whether you are at the beginning of your divorce journey, midway through, or even done, we want the stories from our guests to give you hope that an amicable resolution is possible. If you'd like to dive deeper into today's episode, check out our show notes for a full transcript, reflections, and links to learn more about Better Than Bitter's coaching courses,

and how to connect with our fabulous guests. If you're ready for more support, you can head over to betterthanbitter.coach. Daily, you'll find details and additional information on our five-step game plan multimedia course, our one-to-one Zoom coaching, group coaching, monthly memberships, events and retreats, and a whole lot more. Plus, we've got a ton of free resources, like our monthly newsletter,

our private Facebook group, Instagram channel, and a library of articles and free webinars to help you along the way. When you go to our website, you'll be able to schedule a free 45 minute breakthrough call. Remember, we're here to help you reach an amicable resolution. Find your courage and believe in your brighter future because you know what? It is possible.

At Better Than Bitter, we measure success by what we give and not by what we get. So let's change the divorce dialogue together. It's time to be better than bitter.

Tania Leichliter (: 35:31

Thank you for joining us for our five day challenge from surviving to thriving, reclaiming you during divorce and beyond. This is a five part series that we ran as a streaming Facebook workshop. if you are interested,

in having the full workshop, all of the video replays, as well as the workbook. We have this all loaded into our support group membership at betterthanbitter.coach. In our support group membership, you will get access not only to the five-day challenge, but to all of our workshops, our mini courses, our articles.

as well as getting a community of people every week who will be there to support you in our weekly support group calls. So if you are interested, please take a look in the show notes. We have our membership support group listed and for a limited time, we are offering two months for the price of one. Exactly, two months for the price of one. So you will get eight support group sessions as well as full access to

all of our valuable educational information, as well as special offers from our divorce professionals, as well as great discounts on our five step game plan course. So please take a look at the show notes, as well as go over to betterthanbitter.coach. And under what we offer, you can drop down to look at our support group offerings.

So again, thank you all for joining us for the audio version of our five day challenge. And we look forward to seeing you in the next episode.