Introduction (: 00:06

Welcome to the Better Than Bitter Divorce Podcast, where we flip the script on divorce and show you how to have a more amicable divorce resolution. I'm your host, Tania Leichliter a divorce coach, a certified life coach, and the mastermind behind the Better Than Bitter five-step game plan course, where I help individuals build a pathway towards a more amicable divorce resolution.

Each week, I'll bring you uplifting stories from people who've successfully experienced amicable separations, proving that divorce doesn't have to be a battleground. Whether you're overwhelmed with grief, struggling with custody and co-parenting, or just dealing with a high-conflict individual, this podcast is here to guide you towards reclaiming your life and being what I know is possible, better than bitter.

Tania Leichliter (: 01:07

Welcome to episode three of the Better Than Bitter podcast. I am so excited today to have Darlene Taylor with us. She is a former licensed social worker and a certified coach. She's over 15 years of experience in helping families navigate co-parenting after divorce. She specializes really specifically on creating these amazingly supportive environments for children. And she's even

Darlene Taylor (: 01:30

.

Tania Leichliter (: 01:36

written a book. It's called, It's Not About Us, Co-parenting Survival Guide for Taking the High Road. She really combines her personal and professional insights to provide practical strategies for co-parenting. And I'm so impressed with Darlene because outside of her co-parenting coaching, she is this amazing obstacle course competitor, meaning that

He competes in these Spartan races and not just one, but she'll do three back-to-back to get these incredible medals. And so I will tap into that desire and that drive that she has post divorce and to really picking up and creating new communities. So she has an incredible daughter who she loves to spend time with in Los Angeles and she's a dedicated advocate for single parent families.

And she, just like me, works to break the stigma of divorce today. So welcome, Darlene.

Darlene Taylor (: 02:35

Thank you so much. I appreciate that lovely introduction. I'm happy to be here.

Tania Leichliter (: 02:40

I'm so excited that you're joining us today. We had such a nice conversation when we first met. We both are coaches for Vesta Divorce Concierge Group and in that network where they really help individuals getting divorced match to the right coaches or lawyers or mediators, Darlene and I got to meet. And in our meeting, we really just connected because both of us really do believe in that amicable divorces are possible.

And so I'm gonna let Darlene tell her story today. And I'm gonna have lots of questions. But first I just, know, why do you believe that your divorce was an amicable divorce? And what does that mean to you?

Darlene Taylor (: 03:23

I believe it was an amicable divorce because it did not start out that way. It was rough at the very beginning. I initiated the divorce and it was a surprise to him, according to him. And so he was not happy about it and it was very rocky for the first couple of years. But I went into it.

knowing that I wanted to have an amicable divorce and have an amicable relationship with him because of our daughter. had, the time our daughter was two, and I knew that we had a long time to be in each other's lives, he and I, mean, for the rest of her life, obviously, but we were going to have to work together closely for a long time. She was very young and I really wanted to figure out a way that we could do that that was going to protect the peace for both of us. Right? Like it was so...

It was so ugly at the very beginning and I'm like, just was thinking to myself, I cannot do decades more of this. That was just an awful thought to think about. And I didn't want to harm our daughter. At the time she was two and she didn't really know what was going on. And to me, I was like, we've got to figure this out before she starts to understand the dynamic between the two of us and it starts to really damage her. And so I really went into it with this idea of what can I do?

We weren't going to be in therapy together, but what could I do and how could I try to make this as amicable, as workable, as cooperative as I possibly could? thankfully, he and I never had a conversation about it, but thankfully, I think he finally got to that place as well. I think we both really were focused on our daughter and wanting to not damage her as much as possible. Neither one of us came from parents of divorce.

And so I think we were both really afraid of what that was going to do because we saw friends and other families in our lives that had been really damaged by divorce and parents who couldn't get it together to work together. And so I think we both kind of migrated to that space of like, okay, we have to do what's best for her. That's why the book was called, It's Not About Us because I think we really embodied that when it came to her.

Tania Leichliter (: 05:34

Yeah, so you talk about being super rocky and at the beginning and even for the first couple of years and and I definitely stressed individuals who listen to anything that I talk about this amicable resolution and I say to them, hey, listen, the divorce process is not going to feel warm and fuzzy. I'm not telling you that you're going to be loving on your soon to be asked through the divorce process. But what I am telling you

Darlene Taylor (: 05:54

you

Great.

Tania Leichliter (: 06:02

is that the outcome, the result can be amicable and that you have to get through the tough stuff. So can you talk to me about when we talk about the tough stuff and relate to the audience that might be feeling what you were feeling and like how you managed.

Darlene Taylor (: 06:04

Yes.

Yes.

I think the first thing I had to do was admit that even though I had initiated the divorce that I was hurting and I was grieving and it was a loss and it was hard and I was sad. I was depressed.

Tania Leichliter (: 06:23

to kind of get through that. Like what were the things that you were applying in your own life and in your own process that got you to that other side?

Darlene Taylor (: 06:44

And I didn't, I think I was just trying to get through the process of the divorce and not really think about, you know, what I was feeling or why this was happening or really sitting with those emotions. And I think that was probably the first thing that I did that got me on a track of like, okay, I will be able to work, know, I will be able to get to the other side of this because you have to really just acknowledge what's going on. It's a loss. It is a loss, no matter.

how you look at it and you are grieving no matter how you look at it. A lot of times we associate grief with death and that is, that's not the only thing that you grieve and also divorce does feel a lot like a death. It's the death of a marriage, the death of a family, the death of a future that you thought you were going to have. And I think that you have to really acknowledge that and give yourself the time and space and grace to grieve that. I also think you have to...

do the work on yourself, do the work of healing on yourself. And I'm a huge advocate for therapy, obviously, as a therapist, but if therapy is not for you, then do whatever works for you to work through those feelings and get to that healing. That's really crucial. I think that's the only way you're gonna get to amicable on the other side is if you do the healing and the work for yourself.

Tania Leichliter (: 07:56

you

Yeah, I talk a lot about moving through your emotional divorce before you step into your legal divorce because so many people are looking for a couple of things that you said. Like one is how do I prevent long-lasting trauma for myself, but for my children? And number two is like, how do I save myself money? And the first thing I talk about is that, well, you need to really move through this emotional divorce before you step into your legal divorce because of the fact that

Darlene Taylor (: 08:13

Right.

Tania Leichliter (: 08:27

Guess what? If you are an emotional mess when you step into that legal negotiation room, it's going to be emotional decision-making and emotional responses and emotional reactions. And those might not be logical, rational thinking, right? It's that you're a therapist. It's the amygdala. It's that, you know, sympathetic nervous system completely going, and not allowing you for...

Darlene Taylor (: 08:45

They barely are.

Tania Leichliter (: 08:54

access to that prefrontal cortex so you can calm your body so you can have more mindfulness and awareness of how you are showing up. And so tell me more, like I wanna know a little bit more of the details. you told me a little bit in the past about your ex. So why don't you share with...

Darlene Taylor (: 09:09

.

Tania Leichliter (: 09:16

our listeners kind of, know, what he did for work, why it created such a stress on your co-parenting and kind of how you all as

part of this process, we're able to come together because we really want to hear from you in terms of your expertise because a lot of people don't have these easy lives, right? Where like, two parents at work in nine to five, you can, you know, do two days, two days or, you know, one week on one week off. Like that's just not reality. You have people who are working in all sorts of capacities and they have to come together.

to create a plan. So tell me, tell us a little bit more.

Darlene Taylor (: 09:55

Yeah. We got divorced in the state of Ohio and you have to have a parenting plan. have to file a plan with the court, right? So I sat down with...

my attorney and we, you know, she pulls up the typical plan of like, you know, Monday every other weekend and, know, Wednesday every other one. I don't know all of the things that that's like the, I guess the normal plan that people use. And I just looked at her and said, this is never going to work. My ex-husband is a college basketball coach and he travels constantly. There's was really at that time, I think only one or two months of the year, not even consecutive months of the year that he did not travel.

So he was always gone, schedule changing all the time. And so I was like, there's no way that we're to be able to keep a schedule. We have to have a schedule. get that. But we're not going to be able to keep a schedule. So I knew at that point that if I wanted our daughter to have quality time with her dad, I was going to have to be flexible about what the schedule looked like in making changes to the schedule.

And so, and that was really difficult because I think going into it, I was trying to grab onto the things of divorce that were gonna be positive. And I was like, okay, well, we'll have a schedule and I'll be able to have this time for myself and I'll be able to plan and no, that didn't happen for me. So it took a lot of communication. And I think even that, even working out our very non-traditional schedule took some time as well because at the beginning,

I was just taking on the responsibility of being the flexible one. And I was, you know, sort of letting him make, make changes to the plans, like at the last minute. And then after a while of that, I was like, wait a second, this isn't necessarily fair to me either. Like we should be able to make some sort of, I should be able to have a little bit of lead time with the schedule. Right. So then we, worked it out to where we would talk of every Sunday and like, okay, what's going on this week? What does this week look like for you?

and so this, day-to-day schedule was where we really had to be flexible and really had to get creative. As far as, like, holidays and things like that, we, those were set in our parenting plan and we did very much stick to those. But even with that, you know, I think the thing about these parenting plans and really being amicable is understanding that life happens. You can have the best plan and life happens and just being.

practical and reasonable and compassionate about things. You know, we were living in Ohio and I didn't have any extended family in Ohio. So if my mom came to visit or my sister came to visit, even if he was in town and it was technically his time, he was like, well, of course, Sammy can be with you. I want her to have time with her extended family. And so it was those kinds of things where, of course, you could stick to the letter of your parenting plan and say, no, this is my time and this is your time.

But at the end of the day, who is that hurting? You know, that was the question that I had to ask myself. Like, yes, we had this parenting plan and I would have been well within my rights to say, you know what? This is the parenting plan. This is your day. Can you get her that day? No? well, sorry. But that only hurts her. And she doesn't get a chance to have a relationship with her dad and to really build a relationship with her father. And that, and I know that that was some, that is something that's really important for her. It's something that's really important for every child, especially when you have a parent who is there.

and wants to have a relationship with their child. What kind of mom am I to stand in the way of that? And if that means that I have to be a little bit more flexible and that I have to have a little bit less of a set schedule than other people, well, that's what you do as a parent, right? You make sacrifices.

Tania Leichliter (: 13:31

I and you know, I listen to you and I listen to all the people that I talk to about parenting plans and people get so stuck on the, well, it's his night, you know, and he should be coming to pick her up or, you know, or, you know, why is it that, you know, so-and-so...

Darlene Taylor (: 13:46

Yes.

Tania Leichliter (: 13:51

says that they want to go off because they want to go off on a holiday with their girlfriend or whatever, and I'm stuck here with the kids, you know, like, and kind of shifting that mindset, like, how do you work with clients that are really kind of still in that place of bitterness and that's still in that place of just not being able to move beyond that when it comes to these parenting plans?

Darlene Taylor (: 13:58

Right.

Yeah, I think a lot of times what I see in those instances is that the parent that I'm working with is really still stuck at viewing the other person through the lens of being their partner and all of the ways that they sort of failed them as a partner and not really looking at them as a parent. And that's one of the things that I really talk to parents about is separating the partner from the parent.

You know, this person, you maybe was not the greatest husband or wife to you, but that doesn't make them a bad mother or father, right? And so you have to be able to look at those things and keep those things completely separate. And I also encourage people to be the, I call it kind of one of you has to get on the high road first, right? It's just, it's very rare that both of you are just gonna be sitting up there like, okay, let's do this, let's do this the right way. Let's do this well. One of you is gonna have to.

get on the high road first. And what that to me, what that looks like is giving what you want back. You know what I mean? Giving the grace that you want back, and at first it may feel like you're the only one who's giving, but I think that for people who want, for both people who want an amicable solution and an amicable relationship, it's going to feel really bad for you to be the one that's constantly being the jerk.

if this other person is constantly being reasonable and being workable and being flexible with you. So yeah, so I encourage them to communicate and to communicate as openly as you can. I always say that if you lead with vulnerability, oftentimes it's met with grace and meeting other people's vulnerability with grace. Again, sort of modeling what you want from them.

When I started traveling with our daughter, I would make sure that he had the itinerary of our flights. And I would call when she was little, I would call or send a text like, hey, we've landed safely. You know what I mean? Did I have to? No. But that's what I would have wanted if he was traveling with her. And it's not about me checking in with him. It's about him knowing that his daughter is safe and what parent doesn't want to know that their kid is safe no matter who they're with, right?

Tania Leichliter (: 16:09

Yep. Yep. Yep.

Darlene Taylor (: 16:25

And so it's just, it's those things. And I think it's hard, especially at the beginning when you're really still dealing with a lot of your pain and your own grief to remember that, you know, this is not just your ex-partner, this is your child's parent, right? And to respect that role and respect the role that that person has in your child's life and not do anything to get in the way of that. And it can be difficult. I mean, I am not saying by any stretch that I was perfect at this or that it was-

Tania Leichliter (: 16:53

Yeah, no.

Darlene Taylor (: 16:53

Z thing to do. And you're going to get it right sometimes, you're going to get it wrong sometimes, and that's okay too. But striving to do those things, I think, gets you on the high road.

Tania Leichliter (: 17:05

those two tips that you just gave, one is about making the difference between the parent and the partner. And I love that if people can just reframe their thinking around the parent and the partner and making sure they're separating those out and knowing that that parent in that parent is wanting to do what's best for their children and that you want to have that child.

receive as much love and support as possible. And I like the other thing about the initiator. The second point you made is really about the initiator. Somebody has to take the high road to say, this is the way we should be considering working together and that this is about our child and focusing on what's gonna be best for you and you're going to get back what you put in. I have this great webinar that I do on six communication.

Darlene Taylor (: 17:31

Absolutely.

Tania Leichliter (: 17:57

techniques to get you what you want in divorce. And a lot of it has to do with just like you said, it's about being vulnerable. It's about being compassionate. It's about being accepting and being flexible. And it's also about being assertive in a certain level of way. It's like, it's okay to be assertive in a supportive environment where you're being friendly about it, but also setting boundaries and

Darlene Taylor (: 18:16

Mm-hmm.

Right. Yeah, healthy boundaries are great. And you really having to carve out a new relationship. And I think that's the other piece that people have to remember. Like you're moving out of this relationship. You knew how to be partners with this person, whatever that looked like, know, however, whatever that looked like. you you're still their partner. You're not their romantic partner, but you are still their parenting partner. And you really have to think about, okay, what do I want?

Tania Leichliter (: 18:26

Healthy boundaries are great, right?

Darlene Taylor (: 18:51

this relationship to look like, you know, obviously their boundaries in this relationship are going to be different. So be very intentional about creating those, you know, what, you know, how, how are we going to communicate and really kind of for yourself sitting back and thinking about, know, what do I want from this person? What do I need from this person to be a good co-parent? And then what does, and thinking about, and maybe even asking them, what do they need from you? What do they want from you as far as being, you know, if you are able to have that conversation, you know, how

what does it, what, know, asking them, if you were to just describe me as a good co-parent, what would that look like? What would that mean? And then sharing your perspective with that as well. you know, hopefully that gives you something to shoot for, right?

Tania Leichliter (: 19:36

Absolutely, absolutely. was such amazing advice and yeah, you know, and you don't necessarily always get it right, but you are going to have to be co-parents with this individual for as long as your children live, right? Which is going to be longer than you live. So do you have a choice? You know, you have a choice. You can have a positive relationship and have it be full of love, or you can be...

Darlene Taylor (: 19:49

Yes.

Right. And that is what I, yes, that is a. Right.

Tania Leichliter (: 20:00

vengeful and unhappy and angry, disappointed and bitter. And then that's on you. That's like gonna be your back nine, right? So like

Darlene Taylor (: 20:06

Right. Well, but the other piece of that too is that you're is thinking about, know, because everybody's like, I would do anything for my kids. Would you though? Would you though? Because when you when you're deciding to hold on to that, when you refuse to let go of that, when you refuse to work with this person that you are going to be tied to for the rest of your child's life, you are putting the heaviest burden on them. Because think about it, you know, my thought was

Tania Leichliter (: 20:16

Yeah.

Darlene Taylor (: 20:33

You know, I don't want for my daughter on her wedding day, should be the happiest day of her life, to be stressed out because we can't be in the same room. How unfair is that? How unfair is that? And you are the grownups. You know what I mean? You were the grownups first. You were adults. You should be able to get it together. you know, sometimes I just, I do sometimes I'm that, I'm that forward people. like, get it together. Like, just.

Tania Leichliter (: 20:43

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I am too. I am too. I am so that way. Actually, to be honest, like my ex and I, we eloped because his parents had such a bad relationship and we just didn't want these two individuals, you know, ruining our day. Yeah, I mean, and I...

Darlene Taylor (: 21:11

Right.

ruining your day. And that's nothing that you should even have to think about. Like that's, you're parenting your parents at that point.

Tania Leichliter (: 21:20

I know, I know. remember on, I know, I remember on his sister's wedding and it was like her shower and I was walking with his mom and she's continuing to bitch about her ex-husband and meanwhile they are both remarried and had been married for 30 years and I'm returning her to her and being like, okay, you know, you gotta let this go.

Darlene Taylor (: 21:46

Are we still talking about this?

Tania Leichliter (: 21:47

I'm still talking about this. This is, you know, your daughter's day. Like, just let it go. You've been happily married for 30 years. Like, why are you still holding onto this?

Darlene Taylor (: 21:57

The gift that you give your children by being able to have an amicable relationship with their other parent is immeasurable. I didn't, I knew that, but little things have happened in our daughter's life since we moved to California that have really solidified that for me and just really made me understand what a gift it is for her, for us to be able to work together, to be in the same room together, to have a birthday dinner.

with her, you know, he invited me over to his house just this past Mother's Day. He's repartnered, they're not married, but they've been together forever, they live together. He cooked us steaks and wine and cake for Mother's Day. And he was like, he invited me over, so it was me and his new girlfriend and our daughter and her son all around the table. And it was great. And it was, you know, and that kind of thing is just a wonderful gift that.

Tania Leichliter (: 22:44

That's fabulous.

Darlene Taylor (: 22:51

that we can give to our daughter. I feel like, you know, unfortunately as good and amicable and wonderful as you can make a divorce, know, children of divorce still miss out on things. It's just reality. It's just, it just does. And so for me, for us to be able to give that back to her is just a little, you know, a little something that I feel like is, is hopefully gonna fill in some of those, those holes and those gaps of things that she has to deal with as a child of divorce that other kids don't.

Tania Leichliter (: 23:21

But I also think, and just a positivist in me, like, I also believe, and we're gonna go into this, because you've got bonus people in your life. Your daughter has bonus people. So they might have missed out on some things, but they've gained others. And so let's move the conversation to the bonus and to the things that divorced children get to have that other kids don't, because it's not all negative.

Darlene Taylor (: 23:30

Yeah.

that.

Yeah, no, I always say nobody ended up in therapy because they were loved too much, And so I've always been, you know, I even when we first got divorced, you know, I knew that, you know, her dad was going to move on at some point and I was going to move on at some point. My thing was, I didn't need his new partner to like me at all. I just needed her to be good to my kid. And as long as she was good to my kids, then I am happy to have her in her life because the more

love and support that she can have the better. And it just happened that he partnered with somebody who was willing and wanted to also, you know, sort of join the team of, you know, team Sammy is what I call it. Her daughter's name is Sammy, of co-parenting her. so, and she and I have become really good friends. And so that's a relationship that, you know, that I wouldn't have that I value, you know, tremendously outside of just, you know, her being sort of.

one of the pseudo co-parents in the picture. We have a friendship and I've actually been married twice and divorced twice, unfortunately, but my second marriage, he has two daughters and I met them when they were nine and 11 and they are now 21 and 23. And we are no longer married, but I...

Tania Leichliter (: 25:00

That's it.

Darlene Taylor (: 25:04

They started calling me their bonus mom. They didn't like steps. They said it sounded, had bad connotations, they didn't like it. So they started calling me their bonus mom. And they're my, call them my bonus babies. And I got to retain those relationships when, even after we got divorced. And we, I did that because when we got a divorce, had before, when he and I were together, before I ever met them, their mom asked me to meet me. And at first I was...

not thrilled about that. I wrote a write about this in the book. It's kind of a funny story of like our first meeting. But I met her and she was lovely and actually thought, gosh, this is probably somebody that I'd be friends with if she wasn't his ex-wife. That's kind of weird. But what ended up happening is after he and I split up, I reached out to her and just said, hey, I just want to make sure that it's okay with you that I still stay in contact with the girls as much as you're comfortable with. I love them. I care about them, Sammy.

loves them and cares about them. And she was so wonderful and so open and said, absolutely, they adore you. so, you know, she and I have become really good friends. She's one of my closest friends. so because it's strangely because of this second divorce, I have three of the most important relationships that I will have in my life because of that. so there and Sammy's got siblings that she never got to have. Right. And so because of, you know, because of

Tania Leichliter (: 26:09

Yeah.

Darlene Taylor (: 26:27

just the way that I have been lucky enough to surround myself with people who understand that, you divorce doesn't always have to mean loss, that there are some things that you can gain from that. And I've been very blessed to be able to keep those things in my life and those people in my life.

Tania Leichliter (: 26:44

This is the second time that you've told me that story and I have the chills, like the second time around. And it just makes me so happy to hear about, first of all, just how much courage and strength it must take on your end that you have been able to establish all these relationships. And I came from a very similar experience with my dad and my mom and my dad's on.

Wives and they all get along well wife number three not so much But like my mom and my dad's second wife and now my dad's current wife and his second wife They're all one big happy family and they all Support, know us as a family meaning that my kids call second bonus mom bonus grandma Grammy, you know, she's her Grammy and It's so you're right. There is not

Darlene Taylor (: 27:11

I'm sorry.

Great.

Yeah.

Tania Leichliter (: 27:39

ever too much love that can be given to children. And there's so much reciprocation. There's not too much love that can be brought back to us, right? And so holding on to that.

Darlene Taylor (: 27:40

Now.

Yeah, and it's such a wonderful contrast for kids of divorce to see that yes, out of this loss, there is loss, but there are other beautiful things that can happen. And I think that in a way, and my oldest has kind of said this, that it's

reinforces her belief in family and then love and relationships. you know, because it can be really hard, especially if the kids are older, for them to witness their parents' divorce and, you know, and to carry that with them as, you know, sort of that legacy of divorce. And so I think that that, you know, kind of balances that out as well. So.

Tania Leichliter (: 28:27

I totally agree. So I ask all of my guests the same question at the end if they have been married. And I have written a blog on the 20-year marriage contract with the option to renew. I just wanted to throw that out there to say, you know, if you started your marriage and you've been married twice, but you knew that this was a renewable contract.

Darlene Taylor (: 28:41

hahaha

Tania Leichliter (: 28:54

versus till death do us part. How do you believe you would have shifted in your approach to your marriage? Or do you believe that that's something that should occur? Like having some level of contract and understanding that like, this might end. And if it does, we've already built in place what's gonna happen. So it doesn't have to be a litigation battle in the courtroom because we've already thought about everything.

Darlene Taylor (: 29:22

Yeah, mean, yeah, that's an interesting question. It's hard to think about, because we have such, hold on to those traditional ideas of obviously till death do us part. So to go into it, thinking about an end feels negative, but I think it's practical.

I think it's practical, think it's reasonable. And I think, yeah, I don't know. I don't know if I like the idea of being more intentional about your choice to stay married. Your choice to, you I always say like, choose, you get married, but you choose that person and you need to choose that person every day. Like that's every single day you're choosing. And so I kind of like the idea of.

you know, like, yeah, let's check in every year. And maybe that's what your anniversary should be. Let's check in every year. Hey, this is what's happened to us this year. How's it going? Is this still working for both of us? Because if it's not, you know, maybe we need to make some adjustments. And I think, you that's the way I sort of approach relationships now is to not just assume, you know, that we've made this decision that we're gonna be together and that's just it and we're just gonna, you know, full steam ahead.

you know, life happens and things happen and people change and needs change and desires change. And so being very intentional about about having those conversations and making sure that it's still, you know, the fulfilling relationship that you want it to be for each of you, I think is really smart.

Tania Leichliter (: 30:48

I mean, I just love the idea of just an option to renew. So not saying that the end is coming. It's just that the end could come. And we've already built in what would happen if it did. And maybe if it became a societal thing, like children would know, like, well, there's a chance that my parents are gonna decide that they're gonna go in different ways. But it's not like it's gonna be some horrible thing. They're just gonna, but it's like something that we just

Darlene Taylor (: 30:52

Yeah. Right.

the end of the world, right?

Tania Leichliter (: 31:17

It's in our society now. Like, I don't know. It was, again, I think it came to me when I was running one day and I'm like, well, what if, like, would I have shown up for my marriage differently if I knew that I had this option to renew out there and that do I work harder? So we renew up, you know, let's do it again.

Darlene Taylor (: 31:23

Yeah.

Yeah, right, yeah, no, I love that.

Tania Leichliter (: 31:37

This is another thing. So I just want to give a summary of today, giving our audience and listeners the three tips that I really pulled away from. I mean, we've got so many great nuggets today, but the one is just like someone has to take the high road and really establish this constructive, productive co-parenting relationship. The other one is, like I said, separating out the parent from the partner because moving through divorce and into a post-divorce relationship

It's a different partnership and it's a parent that you're talking to whose only best interest should be their children, right? So it's a new relationship. And then as we talked about bonus, I just love the idea that there is never too much love that's given to children and children that are coming in, like you said, you're bonus children, how much love you can give to them.

Darlene Taylor (: 32:07

Yes.

Right. Yeah.

Tania Leichliter (: 32:32

and how much love that your child can get from bonus children or from bonus parents and how I just embracing it versus coming from a place of jealousy or coming from a place of anger or bitterness and the non accepting aspect of moving on in your life, right? So we're all hoping to move on towards a brighter future and it just feels so much better to love than it does to hate.

Darlene Taylor (: 33:00

And everybody's easier to work with when they're happy. know what I mean? I'm happy that her dad has moved and has this wonderful relationship with this great partner, because he's easier to deal with when he's happy. Everyone's easier to deal with when they're happy. So it's a little selfish on my part, because for me supporting this, that makes my life easier. we all are selfish in the sense that we need to do what we have to do to protect our peace.

Tania Leichliter (: 33:04

Absolutely.

Exactly.

Darlene Taylor (: 33:27

Part of this, the way I co-parent, yes, it's absolutely 100 % for my daughter, but it's also to protect my peace. I didn't want to be angry and dealing with somebody that I was arguing with every day. That's so draining. Who wants to spend the rest of their life carrying that around? So do it for yourself, do it for your kids, but also do it for yourself so that you can get to a place where this is not a relationship that has to drain you for the rest of your life.

Tania Leichliter (: 33:53

So Darlene, tell our listeners again the name of your book and where they can find it. And just to let everybody know, we will have information on that in our show notes. So you can go to the show and look at this episode and you can connect with Darlene. But tell everybody, Darlene, again, your book and where they can find it.

Darlene Taylor (: 34:10

It's called It's Not About Us, a co-parenting survival guide to taking the high road. You can find it online, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, think Walmart, on most online booksellers. On Amazon specifically too, there is also a guided journal to help you put some of the practical things that you read in the book into practice in your own life as a co-parent. So you can find it there as well.

Tania Leichliter (: 34:34

Great. Well, Darlene, thank you so much for being our guest today. It was such a great conversation and good luck in your next Spartan race since it's, guess, coming up again this weekend.

Darlene Taylor (: 34:37

and super happy. Yeah.

Thank you. Yeah, actually, this is so funny. Just really quickly, the bonus being the kind of connecting the Spartan with my bonuses. They, my girls are not really into Spartan racing, but they have all three decided that they will do a race with me at the end of November. So the four of us are going to all do a Spartan race together. And so it's really cool for me to be able to share this.

een able to be together since: 2021

Tania Leichliter (: 35:14

is so awesome. Well, good luck to you on that. And thanks again for joining us today. And everyone go and get Darlene's book. Thanks to you. Bye.

Darlene Taylor (: 35:23

Thanks so much.

Tania Leichliter (: 35:27

Thank you for joining us today for episode number three with Darlene Taylor of the Better Than Bitter podcast. I wanted to emphasize the three top takeaway tips that I got from Darlene's interview today. Number one is flexibility. There is no cookie-cutter way for you to create the right co-parenting relationship for you, meaning that they are maybe very hectic.

busy work schedules that you're having to deal with. And if you keep your eyes focused on your children and knowing that the goal is to get them as much quality time with each parent as possible, you have to build in flexibility. Number two, be open-minded. And I know that it's very hard sometimes to embrace the significant other of your ex, but it can...

really pay off and give you bonus children on the other side because you might be marrying into somebody yourself that has children. And so making sure that each child that is coming to the table is being loved, whether you're your children who are being loved by others or you loving other people's children. So just be open-minded and remember the more people that love your children and the more children that you can love, the better.

And the third thing is that you need to separate out your partnership from the past to your parenting relationship in the future. Because the way that you parented when you were partners is going to need to evolve. So you need to leave behind some of the issues that you had in your previous partnership and focus on rebuilding a new co-parenting relationship that is not

inclusive of whatever baggage you may have had in the past. So those were the three top tips that I got from Darlene today and we really do appreciate you all tuning in and we hope to see you on the next episode.

Tania Leichliter (: 37:43

Thanks for tuning in to Better Than Bitter, navigating an amicable divorce. Whether you are at the beginning of your divorce journey, midway through, or even done, we want the stories from our guests to give you hope that an amicable resolution is possible. If you'd like to dive deeper into today's episode, check out our show notes for a full transcript, reflections, and links to learn more about Better Than Bitter's coaching courses,

and how to connect with our fabulous guests. If you're ready for more support, you can head over to betterthanbitter.coach. Daily, you'll find details and additional information on our five-step game plan multimedia course, our one-to-one Zoom coaching, group coaching, monthly memberships, events and retreats, and a whole lot more. Plus, we've got a ton of free resources, like our monthly newsletter,

our private Facebook group, Instagram channel, and a library of articles and free webinars to help you along the way. When you go to our website, you'll be able to schedule a free 45-minute breakthrough call. Remember, we're here to help you reach an amicable resolution. Find your courage and believe in your brighter future because you know what? It is possible.

At Better Than Bitter, we measure success by what we give and not by what we get. So let's change the divorce dialogue together. It's time to be better than bitter.