Introduction (: 00:06

Welcome to the Better Than Bitter Divorce Podcast, where we flip the script on divorce and show you how to have a more amicable divorce resolution. I'm your host, Tania Leichliter a divorce coach, a certified life coach, and the mastermind behind the Better Than Bitter five-step game plan course, where I help individuals build a pathway towards a more amicable divorce resolution.

Each week, I'll bring you uplifting stories from people who've successfully experienced amicable separations, proving that divorce doesn't have to be a battleground. Whether you're overwhelmed with grief, struggling with custody and co-parenting, or just dealing with a high-conflict individual, this podcast is here to guide you towards reclaiming your life and being what I know is possible, better than bitter.

Tania Leichliter (: 01:09

Hi everyone. This is Tania Leichliter and I am so excited to see everybody here and Today we are going to be talking about types of divorce, and in our kind of types of divorce, we're going to talk about contested or uncontested divorces and all the different ways that you can have an uncontested divorce, which

What we're trying to accomplish is really about how to have an amicable resolution. So we're going to go through a presentation today. We're going to teach you all about the different types of contested versus uncontested types of divorces, as well as what we call alternative dispute resolution. All of those are different ways that you can get to your uncontested divorce agreement.

So this is, like I said, navigating divorce and understanding the different types of divorce, whether they're uncontested or contested, utilizing alternative dispute resolution, as well as do-it-yourself methodology. In terms of navigating the divorce, we really want to empower you with knowledge and support you along the way.

When we talk about the different types of divorces, we really do try to tell people that you can have an uncontested divorce. There are ways to get to that agreement. You might feel at the beginning that you're not on the same page, but there are so many ways that you can get there. So, a little bit about me, I'm Tania Leichliter. I am the president and CEO of Better Than Bitter, and I am a divorce coach.

And what I do as a divorce coach is really guide people towards how to have a more amicable resolution. And it's not necessarily saying that all throughout your legal negotiation, you're going to feel friendly and warm and fuzzy towards your soon-to-be ex. What it is saying is that the end point, that agreement you get to the other side, should feel good to you. You should want to have a productive co-parenting relationship with your soon-to-be ex.

And that you could really work towards mitigating costs through these different types of alternative dispute resolution options. I'm an entrepreneur and a life coach. And really what I am driven at this point in my life is to helping more people have amicable divorces. I had a great and amicable divorce. mean, no divorce is great, but mine was amicable. We have an incredible friendship on the other side.

And my parents had an amicable divorce, so I had really good modeling. So today, we're going to just give you a little bit more information and support you on moving your divorce forward in the right way. So what is a contested divorce? A contested divorce is a type of divorce where the different partners, you're soon to be X and yourself, you can't come to an agreement.

So you cannot come to an agreement. Therefore, you need to go to court to have a judge make an agreement on your behalf. The process usually involves a lot of court battles. Like I said, the judge is making decisions for you. So you go in there with all your information, and you present that to the judge, and they get the final say. What are some of the characteristics of a contested divorce? They're lengthy, they're costly.

And they're very emotionally taxing. And what we find is that people who are sitting in a contested divorce environment, most of them didn't process their emotional divorce before they entered into their legal divorce. So they were really fighting around a lot of emotional turmoil that they just couldn't seem to move through. And so what we really.

want everybody to know is if you can process your emotional divorce before you move into your legal divorce, you have a higher likelihood of moving towards an uncontested divorce environment. So what's the contested divorce outcome? Decisions are made by those courts and you might not be satisfied with those because it wasn't something that you actually chose.

So what is an uncontested divorce? So an uncontested divorce, meaning that you come to an agreement before you get to court. So you still have to have a hearing and a judge is still in front of you, but yet you come to that hearing with an agreement that you agree upon. And then sometimes you bring in legal counsel. If you feel that maybe your agreement is complicated,

And that it needs support. Judges don't have a lot of time to spend in an uncontested environment. So they want to make sure that no one has coerced you into going through with an agreement that you're not okay with. So sometimes legal counsel is just there to review, to make sure that you have actually agreed yourself onto whatever's into the agreement. And they can make sure that the judge feels comfortable with the fact that they've got two people who are also lawyers.

Who have looked at the agreement. and then they can tell the judge like, Hey, this is what everybody wants. So the outcome. You just have a hearing. you have a mutually agreed upon settlement and often, you know, you maintain that civility. You've maintained that respect for one another. You have a higher probability of just doing things better as partners. If you still have children in the house that you're taking care of. So.

highly, highly recommend that you do whatever you can to have an uncontested divorce. So how are ways for you to get to an uncontested divorce? We're going to go through this a couple of times, but the first one is using a mediator. A mediator does not have any ability to support one person or another. They listen to you. They

ask questions about what might not be an agreement and they really work with you to work together to come to an agreement. The process really involves very structured sessions. Sometimes people really can get along, or maybe they're too emotional. So there is the ability to mediate in a caucus style, meaning that you don't ever have to meet with the mediator together.

They meet with one person, they meet with the other person. They try to get you all make decisions that are collaborative and cooperative. And they get that onto an agreement. If being in the same room is causing too much tension and not very productive, then a lot of times they move you into kind of two separate rooms or just two separate Zoom calls. A lot of mediation is also done over Zoom or just over a phone call. doesn't even have to be video.

So what are the characteristics? Well, the characteristics are a lot of communication, collaboration, and with the end knowledge that you both do want to come to an agreement. You don't want to get into a litigation battle. So it is a lot of give and take, but the mediator is there to help you communicate through that. The outcome is that they're a lot more amicable.

And I do have to say that if you haven't processed your emotional divorce before you moved into mediation, you have a high probability of not making it through mediation and ending up having to have your lawyers work through some of the issues. So try to get that emotional divorce into a place of acceptance so you can rebuild your life properly.

Collaborative divorce. So, a collaborative divorce means that you have everybody in the room together. That means each individual has legal counsel. A lot of times, there is a mediator. Sometimes, there are divorce coaches. Sometimes, there are certified divorce financial analysts, ones that have looked at all of your assets and helped you build your financial statement. And everybody's in the same room. Now, if you think about

how much money is being spent during the hours that you're together. That's a lot because you're paying for everybody's time. But when everybody's together, you get through a lot of the details that would sometimes be lost if you're having to meet with individual people over different time periods. is an extraordinarily powerful opportunity to work collaboratively, and you will move through this process a lot.

more quickly. So what's the outcome? The outcome is that agreements are reached by negotiation. You sign that contract with that collaborative lawyer and that approach saying we will get through this without going to litigation. That is the ultimate outcome of working collaboratively.

So do it yourself divorce. If you have a divorce that's no children, really no assets, not a lot of divisions to be fighting over or child support, or maybe there isn't any alimony that is owed, you can do it yourself. There is plenty of resources or there are plenty of resources online that have draft agreements you can use.

There are draft separation agreements before you get to a divorce. There are ways you can do it yourself if you don't have a complicated life. So I definitely would suggest, but there are also ways that you can pull parts of do it yourself. Like you can go ahead and pull up a financial statement, a paperwork. You can do that yourself. You don't need to have anybody getting all that information together for you.

You can do the child support paperwork yourself. All of those forms are available online. The same thing applies to alimony. They're just plug-and-plays. And there are so many great resources now around child custody. You know, if you're doing shared custody, you can pop in. We're going to do a two, two, three, or every other week. There's a great amount of resources out there for you to do a lot of these things yourself. So.

Just because you might move into mediation or you might move into working in a collaborative environment to save yourself money. There are a lot of things you can do yourself before you even step foot in that mediator's room or into a lawyer's room. I highly recommend not stepping into your lawyer's office without having anything done. That is just going to cost you a lot of time.

And especially going to be a lot of time if you haven't processed your emotional divorce, because they are not individuals that we are not. They're not individuals who are going to be coaches or therapists. I mean, you can try to have them for that, but yet that's not really what their skillsets are there. Sure, they'll be happy to take your money. So.

do it yourself divorce. So let me tell you about why an amicable divorce matters and amicable divorce matters. Number one, for your children's wellbeing. If you want your children to not have long-lasting emotional trauma due to the high conflict divorce that you might be engaging in.

Focus on your kids. Think about what it might be like for them for you to have an amicable resolution for you to be able to be, functioning in a co-parenting relationship that is productive. and we teach a lot of that in our course, financial savings. Like I said, there are so many ways to avoid these high-cost legal fees. A lot of it is in again, emotional preparation.

But also, you know, a lot of the paperwork, there's a lot of paperwork you can do, before you even start working with a lawyer, empowerment and courage. And I can't stress this enough. So, an amicable divorce matters because you, as individuals who are getting divorced, need to feel empowered and courageous as you move through this legal negotiation. and, when you're done and you have.

the paperwork all signed, feeling courage in how you're going to move your life forward and feeling empowered, only works great when you continue to have a productive relationship. Because if your divorce was really, I mean, if your marriage was really challenged with a lot of issues, you might carry those same issues with you. Once you get divorced, if you are not working amicably.

They keep creeping up. It's like the same dialogue. It's the same ruminating thoughts. Like, you're going to continue to have that. If you can't, try to work through this process and have an amicable resolution, which will prepare you for the next stage of your life. And don't we want that brighter future, you know, an amicable divorce matters. Cause we all want that brighter future. We all want to make sure of that.

We can move forward and feel good about the next chapter of our lives. Self-love. So many times when there's so much contention in a highly contentious divorce where there's just a lot of conflict, people begin to really have a lot of self-doubt. And being able to move through a process towards a more amicable resolution really does focus a lot on

on self love, self compassion, self talk, learning about who your authentic self is, who did you become when you were in your marriage that you no longer are happy with, like finding that true sense of self in order to really build your life back. it's going to be really important. And if you end amicably, it provides some level of freedom to explore and have a lot of self discovery.

and being assertive, just learning how to be assertive. Now this is not learning how to be nasty. It's not learning how to yell, or learning how to say, told you so, or sticking it to them. Like it's not, that's not what it's about. Assertiveness is just about learning how to deal with high conflict individuals in a very productive way and learning how to speak.

for what you want and need in order to get the outcome you desire. So I'm not talking about, you know, being assertive and sticking it to them. so, I hope that, that's kind of clear. And so I really just wanted to give a really great summary of why this really matters. And at the end of the day, it matters for your future. It matters for your children's future. And it matters for.

your bank accounts future and amicable resolution will help in all of those. So quickly, the three or the four different types of alternative dispute resolution. And as I said, these are ways you can get to an uncontested divorce. What is it? It's just an alternative form of negotiation that

avoids traditional litigation and really focuses on communication, cooperation, and compromised in order to get to that end agreement that you'll need before you get into that court hearing in an uncontested environment. So the first one is mediation. As I said, they cannot take sides in this. Nobody has got your best interest in mind. They're there solely for the purpose of listening and helping you each work through.

what is needed to get to an agreement. Some mediators can actually draft the agreement and some do not. So I would highly recommend finding a mediator who also can draft the agreement, cause that will save you money. And a lot of times mediation will charge a flat fee for the process.

and not an hourly rate. you can ask for that. And that just, once again, allows for you to have some sort of control over your divorce spending. The other one is collaborative. everybody's in the same room, your mediator, your lawyers, your, financial advisors, your, divorce coaches, sometimes your therapists, everybody's in the room together.

takes a whole lot less time. Everything gets thrown off the table. Everybody's, you know, kind of giving their two cents on, on what has to happen in order to get to this agreement and get to this agreement quickly.

So this is the one we haven't spoken about. So arbitration. So what does that mean? So you can, if you cannot reach an agreement with your mediator or even in a collaborative environment, you can hire an arbitrator and an arbitrator, like a judge will listen to each side and will end up making that decision before you end up going to your court hearing. So you can have an agreed upon agreement.

when you go in to meet with the judge, but you came to that agreement through arbitration because maybe there was one or two little things that you just couldn't come to an agreement on. You state your cases to the arbitrator and they make the decision on your behalf.

Divorce coaching. So divorce coaching comes in all different shapes and sizes. So here at Better Than Bitter, we are more divorce empowerment coaches, meaning that we really help you get through your emotional divorce and we get you fully prepared, you know, in our kind of final step of get prepped on what you need to get done before your legal negotiation. So we are that kind of divorce coach.

What we don't do is we are not specific to custody or parenting plans. We do a ton of high-conflict communication, education, as well as coaching, but there are some people who only do that. So there's some coaches who just do conflict resolution. So if you want somebody who's more all encompassing, you're going to want somebody like better than better who works

more throughout. And if you need an extra push on someone to develop a parenting plan, you can maybe get a couple of hours with a parenting coach. So, as I said, coaches always work alongside, the rest of your team. But what we really suggest is work with a coach before you start your legal process. So by the time you get to the legal process, you are ready to go.

And you know exactly what you're going to need to do to control your reactions, to communicate effectively, to make sure you have a high sense of self and you feel courage and hope for your future and that you absolutely have clarity and what you want your outcome to be at the end. We do a lot of cognitive restructuring, understanding your thinking and making sure you understand that it's not your life circumstances that cause you to feel it's how you're thinking about things. So.

That's the kind of coaching we do, but like I said, there's lots of other coaching available. So quickly benefits of alternative dispute resolution, reduce the conflict, faster resolution, lots of savings and costs. And you have a lot more control and say in the outcome.

So if you are questioning, if working with somebody who is an alternative dispute resolution provider, just consider the complexity of your case and your divorce. again, if you're a product of abuse, I would say this is not going to work for you. You really do need support from the legal system. You need protection. You need a safe space. So we at Better Than Bitter do not work with individuals who are

in a abusive relationship. but there are very complex, you know, lots of assets, people who, you know, have more of a complicated parenting plan that they're wishing to have, like that you can still work in ADR with that. You can still work with mediation. You can still definitely work in collaborative. and arbitration can always support you if you can't come to some small agreements.

So in conclusion, know divorce sucks. Divorce is so challenging and it is so complicated. And it's like, how do you get a crash course in all of this? And so all I can say is process this emotional divorce first, get yourself emotionally prepared for this legal negotiation, explore different types of alternative dispute resolution.

make sure that you're interviewing everybody that you potentially would want to work with. There are companies like Vesta Concierge, and they provide incredible concierge services to be able to provide you with some lawyers, some mediators, financial advisors, some coaches. So they're really a great resource if you really don't know where to start.

Just note that your legal negotiate and yet it's going to be challenging and it's not going to feel good. I always tell people when I talk about amicable resolutions, I'm not talking about the fact that this is going to feel good. It's not going to feel good, but what I can say is that you can manage your emotions. You can manage your thoughts. You can really make sure that everything that you're doing is serving you in your best interest, both emotionally as well as for your future.

And then the final part is just about focusing on outcome. Everything that we teach and everything that I believe in is about, I acting or reacting in a way that's going to get me to where I want to be. And so always working backward for where you want to be and making sure that your actions, behaviors, feelings, and thoughts are all going to lead towards that brighter future.

So I've talked a little bit about what we do here. we do offer this incredible five-step game plan. It's a course with coursework and unlimited chat coaching for three months. So it's a 12 week program. The course is really great. It's both written. It can listen to it in a private podcast. It's in video. There's all of this homework that you do that's associated with all 26 modules that we've created in terms of learning.

And all along the way through our chat, you can get coached and most of our coaching is done in a cognitive restructuring way. You know, you might tell us something that's happening. We'll ask you your thoughts and we'll try to coach you through whatever's going on. We also do a lot of high conflict, communication coaching through chat. So that's all included unlimited for three months. So.

every week we'll get together as a community. We'll have guest speakers. If you want to be coached live, there will be opportunities for you to get coached by me live amongst your community and support group. So we're really looking forward to continuing this webinar series. I want to make sure that everybody also.

gives us feedback in terms of what they want these webinars to be about and we'll build them as you all want them to be coming at you and coming to you. We do have a membership program that we're going to be launching and access to our entire webinar library will be included in that membership along with our private podcasts, as well as great discounts on all of our courses and events.

So I look forward to staying connected to all of you. hope this was, important enough for you to stay with us the whole time. We will have webinars on emotional divorces, but the best way to engage with us is really to take our course because it really, will empower you and move you through where you need to go.

in order to have that amicable resolution.

Tania Leichliter (: 25:23

Thanks for tuning in to Better Than Bitter, navigating an amicable divorce. Whether you are at the beginning of your divorce journey, midway through, or even done, we want the stories from our guests to give you hope that an amicable resolution is possible. If you'd like to dive deeper into today's episode, check out our show notes for a full transcript, reflections, and links to learn more about Better Than Bitter's coaching courses,

and how to connect with our fabulous guests. If you're ready for more support, you can head over to betterthanbitter.coach. Daily, you'll find details and additional information on our five-step game plan multimedia course, our one-to-one Zoom coaching, group coaching, monthly memberships, events and retreats, and a whole lot more. Plus, we've got a ton of free resources, like our monthly newsletter,

our private Facebook group, Instagram channel, and a library of articles and free webinars to help you along the way. When you go to our website, you'll be able to schedule a free 45 minute breakthrough call. Remember, we're here to help you reach an amicable resolution. Find your courage and believe in your brighter future because you know what? It is possible.

At Better Than Bitter, we measure success by what we give and not by what we get. So let's change the divorce dialogue together. It's time to be better than bitter.