Introduction (: 00:06

Welcome to the Better Than Bitter Divorce Podcast, where we flip the script on divorce and show you how to have a more amicable divorce resolution. I'm your host, Tania Leichliter a divorce coach, a certified life coach, and the mastermind behind the Better Than Bitter five-step game plan course, where I help individuals build a pathway towards a more amicable divorce resolution.

Each week, I'll bring you uplifting stories from people who've successfully experienced amicable separations, proving that divorce doesn't have to be a battleground. Whether you're overwhelmed with grief, struggling with custody and co-parenting, or just dealing with a high-conflict individual, this podcast is here to guide you towards reclaiming your life and being what I know is possible, better than bitter.

Tania Leichliter (: 01:17

Welcome to the Better Than Bitter Podcast, episode number 37. Stop ruminating. Be solutions-oriented. That is what we're going to talk about today. I have decided not to have a guest on the podcast today because I wanted to talk about something extremely important, and that is when you are in your divorce process, as well as any time in your life, it is time to start focusing on the solution and not the problem.

I want to talk about this because I had a situation in one of my support groups, and I wanted to share not the very specific problem that we were working through, but the concept and the idea of being solutions-oriented. One of my clients had a really big problem. They were in transition. There was no space in their home. They were still living under the same roof, and that is something that occurs in many, many beginning stages of the divorce process, meaning that you've decided to separate, but yet you haven't physically separated yet.

And the need to be sharing a space with somebody, there's just discomfort, but physical separation may not be possible.

So, thinking about a solution to separate the space. You could either walk around the house feeling like you're walking on eggshells, avoiding each other, tripping over each other, and not setting any boundaries, not only just in physical space, but also in time, in time spent in the house. So let's focus on what it might be like to be focused on the solution to the problem.

Versus so focused on the anger and the resentment and the bitterness and the discomfort that you're feeling in the house. Over and over again, I hear people talking about their problems, the obstacles, and that instead of focusing on, okay, well, how can I make my life better? So let's go through a more specific scenario around this.

So if you are somebody who is living in your house with your soon-to-be ex, and you are feeling like you're tripping over each other, or that there aren't any clear boundaries around how you are going to take care of the children. I call this transition planning, and transition planning is very, very important, and it's important to be focusing on a solution versus the problem, the discomfort.

The obstacle, the challenge that you're facing. So, what are some of these solutions? So, as it relates to physical space, you have some options. So, in your physical space, depending on the size of your house, you need to determine where in the house you can have a separation of space. The scenario that my client was in, they didn't have another full

bedroom, but there was an office space. But we didn't get to that point at the very beginning. At the very beginning, we thought about things that might be appealing to the soon-to-be X. And in this case, there was a desire to maybe own a camper or to own another space that would be able to fulfill

that separation of space. So we went down that road, but the exercise to get down that road was the most important part. It wasn't the fact that we had brainstormed around having this separate space, because again, renting a space on an ongoing basis was just going to be price-prohibitive. So she started doing her research, and the interesting thing is that she really spent the time to write down

all of the pros and cons about having, in this scenario, a camper or a second space. Some of the pros might have been that the space that they were thinking about creating was actually something that was a desire of her soon-to-be ex. So she believed that there would be some excitement, maybe over being able to bring something to the table that was already

a desire, already a wish, already a bucket list thing that they could potentially invest in to create the separation of space. But it was the time and the effort that she spent thinking about this and drawing up the proposal, which we then put into ChatGPT to get better language to be used in the proposal, which she sent via email.

So sometimes when there is a lot of conflict, or a lot of difficulty in communicating, email is a great way of being able to communicate what you're thinking, as well as being able to send a text to let them know that there is an email in their inbox to talk about potential options.

Because again, if you're feeling the discomfort in your home, your soon-to-be ex is probably feeling that same discomfort. So, really focusing on the solution around this versus the problem. And I just really believe that coming up with options is the best way of doing it. So it's not this way or nothing. It's just, hey, I've come up with an idea that I've kind of flushed out. I'd like to bring it to your attention.

But this, of course, is just one idea, but I wanted us to get focused on creating a solution for our problem. So again, that wasn't the solution they ended up with. They ended up figuring out within the house how to create more spaces that they could then allocate towards each other. She ended up just moving her office upstairs.

And he ended up taking on that office as a sleeping space instead of the living room. And it was a level of excitement that both of them felt about the solution that felt really good. And then...

What happens is that they become empowered, so that they can work together collaboratively to come up with solutions. But instead, before we started talking about it, it was weeks and weeks of just focusing on the problem. Weeks of ruminating about how she was feeling inside, the vibration she was having in her body every time she walked by his office or saw his pillows on the couch.

They were just tripping over each other. But as soon as we became solutions-oriented, it was really a relief, and it was a sense of excitement. And again, not just for the outcome, but for the process. And that is what we want to be focusing on. You know, I go back to my children and their lives,

The children stomp around, they start blaming their parents for you lost my so and so, you put something away, you must have thrown something away. Super focused on the problem. And I always say to them, hey, you know what, whatever the case may be in terms of the item that you're looking for is lost, let's focus on the solution. Because right now, focusing on why you believe it's lost is not helping.

Whether the cleaning people threw it away, the dog ate your homework, or mom moved things. It doesn't matter in that moment how it happened. It doesn't. It doesn't matter how you got there. It just matters about how you're going to find it. Right. So, again, finding solutions to your problems. That is what we're here to talk about today. And it is all about breaking down.

What do you believe the solution could be, and focusing there, not breaking down the problem? The problem, the challenge, the obstacle. At that point, you have to acknowledge it in order to create the solution, but putting that energy and that focus into being solutions-oriented. How many nights are you waking up just spinning based on a problem?

A feeling you're having in your body, based on the challenges that you're facing right now. But what if you got up and started putting down on paper potential solutions? You know, one of the things that people ruminate over a lot is money. Instead of ruminating over the money and not knowing exactly where you might stand financially, you need to hire certified divorce financial analysts. You need somebody there who can be solutions-oriented, be on your team. And what they do is they take a look at all of your assets. They take a look at what is available to you. And from that, they come up with different solutions for how you can divide your assets. And not only are those specific solutions on how you can divide your assets, but they look at it as it relates to, well, what does that mean for you today? And what does that mean for you 30 years from now?

Okay, because your financial wealth health is what we are all trying to achieve in our divorce, and getting a better understanding of what our financial situation could look like if I made specific decisions.

That is what is important. I know that every time I left my certified divorce financial analyst, I just felt more at peace. It doesn't mean that I was in a great financial place. It just meant that I turned my unknowns into knowns because they were giving me a vision of what this decision could potentially look like for me moving forward. And having that clarity,

Then gives you stepping stones for how to move your life forward. And if you are somebody who hasn't worked out of the home, you haven't been a contributor financially, this is really, really important. You're balancing out maintenance or alimony, and child support. You're looking at what your monthly income would look like.

They're balancing that out with your current bills and figuring out, can I hold onto the house? What would that mean? Would I end up being house poor in that case? Is that the right decision? What are my other options? If I sold the house, what kind of house could I afford? What kind of income do I need to start generating if I'm still balancing taking care of the kids? Well, if I'm not taking care of the kids, five days a week during the work week, what are the other options? Are there options for me to generate income working from home in order to be more flexible with my time? Okay, well, guess what? You can go to somebody who can provide you with an earning capacity evaluation. They'll take a look at your skill set. Even if you haven't been in the workplace for a long time, you still have skills.

I talk about that all the time. If you've been driving your kids around, if you've been food shopping, if you've been a house manager, if you've been signing up for activities, maybe you have older parents, maybe you've been managing care, maybe you've always been managing care for your kids. These are all skills. These are skills that can be transferable. So, working with an earning capacity evaluator, getting a better understanding of what your skill set is, and then signing up for some sort of vocational training, some upskilling. Even if you're somebody who was in the workplace for a very long time and then took time off for the kids, you have skills. And yes, it's gonna be harder to get back and bring yourself back into that workforce, but it doesn't mean it's not possible. And again, if you get the right support. And I know that you're thinking to yourself, my God, Tania, I can't even afford my lawyer's fees so much.

A certified divorced financial analyst and an earning capacity evaluator, and somebody who's going to upskill my skills. I can't afford all this. But what you also can't afford is a $500 an hour lawyer. So you need to balance out what you are spending your money on. I know that coaching is just another expense, but it's not. It saves you money.

If you believe that you're just going to get a lawyer to fight for everything that you believe that you deserve, you're going to pay for that fight. You're going to pay for that. It's much better to approach this from a solutions-oriented perspective, taking charge of your life and getting back into the world in a way that you feel you can be independent.

right? Investing in you, investing in your independence, investing in being solutions-oriented instead of focusing on the band-aid of the problem. Okay? This is so important, and I know this is going to be a short podcast today, but again, I want to leave you with this. Stop focusing on the problem. Stop focusing on the problem.

Stop making the problem, the challenge, the obstacle, your focal point. Okay? I don't want you to focus there. If you are solutions-oriented, if you are somebody who focuses on, well, how can I make this better for myself? What are my options? Taking the time to focus on the solution, the obstacles, the problems, and the challenges.

Get clarity around what they are, but don't ruminate over them. Sit down immediately. Start focusing on how you can make things better, because you can always make things better.

And if you are somebody who is playing victim to these problems, if you continue to point your fingers back at your soon-to-be X that they're the problem, that they're creating the problem, when you do that, you give them all of the power over your emotions because all of those problems, the challenges, those are making you feel a certain way.

And it's because of the way you're thinking about the problems or the challenges, or the obstacles. If you believe that they don't have a solution, if you believe that the problems are going to continue to exist, then by doing that, you're going to feel hopeless.

You are gonna feel that somebody else is in charge of your life. You need to take charge of your life. Be solutions-oriented. Stop blaming other individuals for how you feel or for creating the problem. That is called being a victim. And when you are a victim and you blame other people for how you're feeling or the situation that they've put you in, you are giving them all of the power

over you. Do you want your soon-to-be ex to have all the power over your emotions? Are you ready to just give that up to them? So you're becoming a puppet or a marionette in their story? No, you don't want to do that. You take back your power, you focus on the solutions, you come up with solutions, you communicate solutions, because if you're feeling a certain way,

Your soon-to-be ex is probably feeling that same discomfort. So be the bigger person. Stop focusing on the challenge of the obstacles. Focus on the solutions. Write them down. Focus on them. Communicate them out again. But the way you communicate it is not that this is the only way.

I just want you to know that I've been doing work on how we can create a better solution so we can both feel better and we can both move forward in this transition time in a way that's healthy for both of us so we can actually give our space, ourself the space to heal, the space to grieve and the space to get clarity on how we're gonna move forward to the next transition. Another solution you need to come up with is if you have children.

If you have children, and you were living under the same roof, the thought that you should just be all convening around the dinner table every night, that might feel really uncomfortable and unnatural. And if you've already communicated to your kids that divorce is what's happening, then this is also going to create discomfort for them. So, a solution, a possible solution, is to have what I call an on-duty, off-duty schedule.

So, thinking about what divorce might look like for your kids moving forward, they might have to move back and forth between homes. So a schedule around that is potentially going to happen. So, thinking about that same type of scheduling, but make it a schedule when both of you are under the same roof. So Monday, Tuesday, mom could have full child duty, wake-up duty, lunch duty.

The kids go to school, do activities, and feed them at night. Mondays and Tuesdays could be Mom's duty. Wednesdays and Thursdays could be dad duty. And again, if dad duty doesn't allow for something or mom duty doesn't allow for something because work is something that is happening for both of you, and that you've always divided and conquered, that's okay.

But the kids just need to know the social story. Who's gonna be putting dinner on the table? So, you know, maybe it's just dinner time or after-school activity carpooling that you're doing this on duty, off duty at the beginning. But it gives the other individual freedom to go and socialize and to reestablish a kind of life for themselves, get to spend some more time with their support system and their friends.

So one of the things that I did in my divorce was that I ended up joining a trail running group. So on the evenings that I was off duty, I had a 6.30 PM commitment. So it brought me out of the house. It got me running with a group of people that I just got to meet in a transitional time period, who weren't people in my community. I got to expand my social circle.

And I didn't come home until 8:30 or so because people used to socialize after. And it allowed me to kind of crawl into my room, say good night to my kids, and go to bed. And it allowed my ex to have some quality time with the kids and vice versa. So we had a transition plan that we weren't tripping over each other and creating discomfort, not only for ourselves, but our kids. This worked really, really well for us. So again, these are just some solutions that

I've either coached through or been able to do myself, but it's important that you, as an individual, understand what some of the challenges are, but immediately write those challenges down and get to a pen and paper, get on your computer, and start thinking through solutions. As soon as you start doing that and you start communicating outward with that information, you will start to feel better. Again,

The first time you come up with a solution might not be the solution that you end up agreeing on, but it gets the ball rolling. Okay? So again, I really appreciate everyone's time today. I hope that this was useful. And if you want to get more information and be part of something that will be supportive in terms of being able to work through.

some of these big challenges, so you can become solutions-oriented. I can't say enough about our membership support group that we have at Better Than Bitter. It's this incredible support group membership plus. And one of the things that we do is every week we have topics or we have guest speakers, and we get you doing the hard work. So we get you thinking, we get you thinking through some of the things that are happening in your life.

You have homework, we come back, we communicate, we break out into breakout groups. You can communicate with individuals. You come back, you report out, and then you get to be coached live by me. So it's a great opportunity for you to connect with other individuals, and you can hear how other individuals are also working through some solutions. So that is just one opportunity for you to get some coaching, but in a more supportive

community-oriented environment. And that support group also comes with an entire library of resources, articles, webinars, workshops, courses, et cetera, for you to participate in educating yourself more thoroughly on your off time. The other option is one-to-one coaching. And a lot of my support group individuals also do some one-to-one support.

that we provide a better than bitter. Again, I am the coach, Tania Licklider. I love working one-to-one with people, especially if they're in support, because we only have a limited amount of time in our support group to work on your specific problem. But when you do combine that with one-to-one, we really can make progress. And the idea of making progress is so I can save you money on legal fees.

I want to make sure that you are able to communicate with your soon-to-be ex and get very prepared to be productive in mediation. So you don't have to have your lawyers battling it out. If we can get you to an agreement and then present it to a lawyer for review, that is the goal. So again, go ahead and check us out at betterthanbitter.coach. I really appreciate everybody's time.

And don't forget, be solutions-oriented.

Tania Leichliter (: 22:59

Thanks for tuning in to Better Than Bitter, navigating an amicable divorce. Whether you are at the beginning of your divorce journey, midway through, or even done, we want the stories from our guests to give you hope that an amicable resolution is possible. If you'd like to dive deeper into today's episode, check out our show notes for a full transcript, reflections, and links to learn more about Better Than Bitter's coaching courses.

and how to connect with our fabulous guests. If you're ready for more support, you can head over to betterthanbitter.coach. Daily, you'll find details and additional information on our five-step game plan multimedia course, our one-to-one Zoom coaching, group coaching, monthly memberships, events and retreats, and a whole lot more. Plus, we've got a ton of free resources, like our monthly newsletter,

our private Facebook group, Instagram channel, and a library of articles and free webinars to help you along the way. When you go to our website, you'll be able to schedule a free 45-minute breakthrough call. Remember, we're here to help you reach an amicable resolution. Find your courage and believe in your brighter future because you know what? It is possible.

At Better Than Bitter, we measure success by what we give and not by what we get. So let's change the divorce dialogue together. It's time to be better than bitter.