Introduction (: 00:06

Welcome to the Better Than Bitter Divorce Podcast, where we flip the script on divorce and show you how to have a more amicable divorce resolution. I'm your host, Tania Leichliter a divorce coach, a certified life coach, and the mastermind behind the Better Than Bitter five-step game plan course, where I help individuals build a pathway towards a more amicable divorce resolution.

Each week, I'll bring you uplifting stories from people who've successfully experienced amicable separations, proving that divorce doesn't have to be a battleground. Whether you're overwhelmed with grief, struggling with custody and co-parenting, or just dealing with a high-conflict individual, this podcast is here to guide you towards reclaiming your life and being what I know is possible, better than bitter.

Tania Leichliter (: 01:20

lead in.

To our first dating section, you guys are probably like, How do I get on Hinge, and how do I do it? And of course, that's not exactly what I'm going to talk about in this specific workshop

getting people rediscovering their sense of self and loving themselves, and recognizing how important it is to be able to love yourself before you love others. But it's really reconnecting with yourself.

So the question is, am I ready to date? And that is really what we're gonna be talking about today. So, know, dating during divorce, dating after divorce. So like, I definitely started dating about nine months after we officially separated. And, you know, whether it was too early or too, you know, or not, I didn't do this work.

When I was going through this time, and now reflectively I'm going back through it and thinking about, what was I seeking? What was I looking for? Was I really ready to start dating, or should I have been focusing on healing? So, these are some questions that I want you guys to think about. So, are you dating as an escape from what you're feeling right now, or are you going to want to date from a healed place? So are you healed?

Are you looking to escape from a feeling that you're having, whether it's fear of loneliness, or if you are looking for, again, a validation or something to make you feel better, versus just looking inward, you're looking outward for that feeling.

So, also just something to ask yourself, exploring grief, healing, and emotional baggage. You know, just as we talked today on the podcast about looking at all your relationships as a timeline and then going back and putting those individuals on your timeline and thinking about, okay, well, when we broke up, what did I do?

Did I jump back into bed with somebody else? Did I, you know, take the time for myself? Did I not date anybody for a year? Like, what are the habits that you see yourself in historically in your life? And being able to look at those on a timeline and be like, okay, wow, like I might need to break a cycle here. You know, I think that one of the things she was telling me was like a story about somebody that she dated earlier on in her life before she got married.

And it was like somebody who was super, super close with her. It's like a really good friend that they ended up crossing the line. And then all she did was sabotage or hurt that individual. Like her habit was that when someone would get too close, she would do things to hurt them or like to sabotage them because it was so good, but she had baggage that when it was too good, she pushed people away.

And it's a really interesting, I mean, when having the discussion with her, I started thinking about my own life, you know, and thinking about my own timeline. I'm actually gonna do this exercise, because I think it's really important, as you're exploring grief, you're exploring the healing, but also, do I have some like emotional baggage?

That I might be carrying on. And so I want to make sure that when you do start to date, that we're coming at it from an evolved place. So we're not jumping into something that potentially could have the same outcome, right? And so the other thing is, are you looking for love? And I loved this one. Are you looking for love from a place of wholeness?

Or from a place of woundedness. So again, am I feeling so wounded by what happened, and I'm just looking for a human connection, or am I just looking for fun? I mean, it just goes into the intent of the dating. And that's what I, we went back and forth on this today.

Because for me, when I started dating, I was just looking to expand my social circle, and I wanted to meet new people outside of my community. And so I only did activity dates because I really just wanted to go meet people who wanted to do the same things I did. I didn't feel like getting super close to anybody. I just wanted to kind of find some new playmates.

because so many of my playmates were couples, you know? And so again, my intent was a little different, and I always told people I was dating about my intent. Hey, listen, if love happens, it happens, but my intent here is to expand my social circle, meet new people, experience new things, and if they're super interested in only kind of interviewing for love.

Like, I'm probably not the right person for them. That's why I didn't do meal dates, because I felt like meal dates were very much like an interview, and that people were sitting in front of you, like checking off boxes. And that wasn't really where I was. Like I just wanted to find someone who might like wanna go play golf and ski and go, you know, high out and do stuff. Yeah. Let's go to a brewery and like, just.

So again, I want you guys to be thinking about this. Are you looking for love? Are you looking for new friends? And again, everybody's really different. The woman I was on my podcast with today, Robin, was like, I don't need new friends. I have so many friends in my life. I am not. I dislike you, Tania. I did not want to expand my social circle. That is absolutely not what my intent was.

I wanted to bring somebody else into my world. So she was also looking for somebody whom she could bring into her community, which to me, from my intent, I was like, want somebody who has a community, and I have a community. And if we can be part of each other's communities, then it's the objective I'm trying to reach is meeting new people and expanding my social circle. So again, like I was really committed to my intention.

You have to really committed to your intention and figure out what your intentions are. I think I had success in dating because I made it light. I wasn't shopping for love. I wasn't shopping for a life partner. I was just going out to have like a good time. And like I said, some new experiences. Now, I did end up dating somebody after dating a lot of people. I ended up meeting somebody.

So once I met that person, I think I began to realize that I probably wasn't ready for that, and it lasted a pretty long time, but I think the two of us were in the same spot, and that we were feeding off of each other in that spot that we were in.

It wasn't healthy as it related to like where we each were in our own processes. Cause neither one of us was divorced. We are still good friends. I will always value that relationship, and I probably will never forget it because it was so important to me to have that experience when I had it. But you have to be open to that.

Because again, if it ends, you're going to feel something again. So you need to decide the difference between loneliness and readiness. And there's a difference between being alone and being lonely.

Being alone and learning how to be alone is really important. And it doesn't mean that being alone is going to lead to loneliness, right? It's about how you fill your time and how you become OK with being with yourself. Like I said, going out to dinner by yourself or starting with maybe lunch at the bar.

Just make sure that you're actually ready to date and you're not just trying to fill the space because you're feeling lonely, because I think there are lots of ways to not be lonely.

You don't wanna date as a mirror of any unhealed trauma. Go back and look at your timeline, figure out what your patterns are.

Make sure you're not following in that same pattern and come up with your intention statement for what you believe is your intent to date. It doesn't need to be mine. I was chatting with a guy that I actually went on a couple of dates with. I'm like, at this anomaly that I go on dates and then I friend zone and then I ask if they're good with just like hanging on to the relationship as friends.

And most of the guys are like, yeah, like this has been awesome. You're fine, you're easy to talk to. And then they start texting me for dating advice, which is super funny. So two days ago, one of them texted me and was like, I think I might need some guidance. I asked him, So what do you value in relationships.

He's like, think I might need to date with more intention around a criteria. What does a criterion mean? Like a checklist? And he's like, well, I went on a few dates with a woman, and she is half-time in Massachusetts. And I was like, so is your criterion that they're here?

Full time here, yeah. Full time here. And I said, okay, well, let's go backwards. Why is that a criterion? What do you value? What do you value in a relationship? He's like, I want companionship and company because it goes back to the difference between loneliness and readiness. He's lonely. Like, right? He wants somebody at home every night when he comes home from work to be able to

dinner with and to sit down and watch TV with or to go to a yoga class with him wants to have daily companionship because he says he's been out of that for six to seven years, since he's been divorced. So, having somebody he's dating who's not going to be there 50 % of the year to him meant I'm not going to have company or companionship.

50 % of the year, but then we decided to redefine what company and companionship meant to him. Would it be so bad for you to take a long weekend and go to Florida, or for her to come up here 50 %

Am I lonely and therefore I'm trying to date to fill that void? Because if I can't be alone and I can't figure out how to not be super lonely by myself, you've got to learn how to love yourself, right? Really love anybody else. And it's just really important to be able to do that.

I think women might be different than men because we have so many friends. I think women are just better at making a plan and having a social circle. Men are socially lazy for the most part. They rely on the woman To make the plan, to create the social scene. My ex-husband was always like,

My God, when we left San Diego and our neighbors were our best friends and we moved to Massachusetts in the winter when nobody goes outside of their house, he was like, my gosh. I just realized how socially lazy I am.

Again, just figuring out, did you have abandonment in your past? Are you putting a band-aid on somewhere? Just make sure that you're ready, and then let's create some intention around it. Rebuilding trust in yourself. before trusting somebody else. Rebuilding how you feel about yourself, how you trust yourself.

In putting yourself out there in an authentic way. We're going to talk about that because, if you were somebody who kind of morphed into the person that you're dating, more of a people pleaser, you may have been more attracted to more of a narcissist person, where you kind of changed yourself to be what they wanted to be, these are just typical kinds of scenarios that you want to play through understanding the people that you're attracted to, understanding, they're good people for me moving forward in my life, getting that trust in your instinct before you want to jump in and give that trust to somebody else. You don't want to just repeat, rinse, and repeat.

As individuals going out there and dating, you just don't want to do the same thing over again. The role of validation. Are you craving being chosen more than choosing?

I want somebody to choose me to almost prove to myself that I'm chosen, if that makes sense. And you want somebody else to give you that validation and feedback. Again, it might not be you, but I want you to evaluate it.

Evaluate that need for validation. And would you rather you choose and find the person that you want to go out with, or would you rather somebody like you and be chosen? So think about that because that's how the online dating world works.

The idea is, if I choose somebody on there and they like me back, does that make me feel better? Or just by putting myself up there, how many people are liking you? That would be the craving for being chosen versus you choosing and getting that immediate response from that person. So.

Some people just like the likes, think about our kids. What do they do? They sit there and they look at how many people like their posts. It's about being liked versus going out there and liking other things. It is all about that feedback loop. I put something out, and I'm constantly getting chosen. So, what is the role of validation for you?

You know, you just want to be cautious around that because you definitely could put something out there that's not authentically you. And you could get a lot of people choosing you, but you really want to make sure that whatever you put out there is authentically you. And once we get to that part of it, I'm good at that part, making sure that your personality is really shining through.

Having all these different ways of showing who you are. And the worst thing, and I hear it over and over from the guys that I dated, they're like, my God, it was so refreshing to show up and you actually look like your pictures.

Have somebody take a current pic, like put current pictures on it.

Then the guys in the hats have no hair. holding up a dead fish. It's like they want to date a man.

Sometimes it makes you laugh. For sure. It's kind of a giggle zone.

Some of our journaling prompts that I want us to work on for next week, do I want a date right now?

I'm not looking to get into a serious relationship. I just want to go have fun. I want to take my clothes off. I want to have someone to go to dinner with, whatever it is, but just be conscious of why you want to date. And there is no right or wrong answer here.

There are good people out there. And again, I just want you guys to live your authentic self and have some courage and, you know, figure out another one, what emotions are driving your desire? What is this? Is it loneliness? Is it curiosity? Is it spite, and, and, and you're trying to get back at your ex? What is the emotion that's driving this desire to date?

The other thing is, seeking connection or relief? And when I say relief, I look at this as a buffering technique. So we have all these different buffering things that we do. We overeat, we overdrink, we overscroll, we overexercise, we over binge television, you know, we, there are so many things that we do to not feel what we're feeling, and we call them buffering.

And so I want you to seriously think about, I really just looking for human connection, or am I looking for relief from whatever else I'm feeling, and I'm using this as a buffer? And if you're, as long as you're honest with how you're using it, use it that way. But I think that the relief, I think that, you know, using it as a relief is just kind of prolonging the healing.

Um, from where you are right now. So I just want you to be really cautious if you are using it as a relief. Sometimes marriages have been dead for 10 years. And so even though the divorce is just happening now, and for whatever reason, you know, the love was lost 10 years ago. So if somebody who's just getting through their process, you know, and they're ready to date, it's probably because they were done 10 years ago.

They've already kind of done the healing, and they just like, okay, I'm kind of done.

You want the butterflies. So these are really journaling prompts. Take some time with this because you can have fun with this, too. If you don't want to share it, that's awesome too, but be honest with yourself about your intent.

I want you to think about this. What would it feel like to not lose that best friend, but just to lose the lover piece of it?

I have it with my ex-husband, but like I have it with him. We share children together, right? He's never gonna have those same conversations about that with anybody else. And that's the most important thing that we've done in this world is to bring children into the world. And if you can try to just nurture that and get rid of all that other stuff you don't like about that friendship.

Find the things you like, and write down all the things that you still enjoy about that person. And I want you to hold onto that and think about how to nurture that part of this relationship. Come up with anything that you enjoy about that person.

There's not one person who's going to be able to give you everything in your life. First of all, you need to be able to give yourself everything in life, right? Then you're going to get some things from your girlfriends, and you're going to get some things from your colleagues, and you're going to get some things from your men friends. You're going to get some things from your children and your relatives. And all of that needs to add up to fulfillment.

But people put so much effort and energy into thinking that this one person needs to be everything to them. They have to be romantic, and then they have to be sensitive, and then they have to be vulnerable, and they have to be a good protector. You're probably just going to end up never meeting anybody if you put all of those criteria boxes on a sheet of paper.

And I feel like as I've gotten older, I have really recognized why I need that from a guy.

What fears do you have about dating, and is it creating excitement, anxiety, or are you feeling pressure around it?

Tania Leichliter (: 19:29

Thank you for tuning in to part one of our dating series. In part two, we are gonna discuss intentions, learning about what is important to you as you begin to embark on considering establishing a new relationship. Whether it's just new companionship or looking for love in your life, we are gonna evaluate our values. What is important?

to us as we consider getting back into the dating world, and more importantly, what do we have to offer? So again, tune in for part two of our dating series and be sure to subscribe to the Better Than Bitter podcast. By subscribing, you will help us continue to serve the divorce community and beyond.

Tania Leichliter (: 20:14

Thanks for tuning in to Better Than Bitter, navigating an amicable divorce. Whether you are at the beginning of your divorce journey, midway through, or even done, we want the stories from our guests to give you hope that an amicable resolution is possible. If you'd like to dive deeper into today's episode, check out our show notes for a full transcript, reflections, and links to learn more about Better Than Bitter's coaching courses.

and how to connect with our fabulous guests. If you're ready for more support, you can head over to betterthanbitter. coach. Daily, you'll find details and additional information on our five-step game plan multimedia course, our one-to-one Zoom coaching, group coaching, monthly memberships, events and retreats, and a whole lot more. Plus, we've got a ton of free resources, like our monthly newsletter,

our private Facebook group, Instagram channel, and a library of articles and free webinars to help you along the way. When you go to our website, you'll be able to schedule a free 45-minute breakthrough call. Remember, we're here to help you reach an amicable resolution. Find your courage and believe in your brighter future because you know what? It is possible.

At Better Than Bitter, we measure success by what we give and not by what we get. So let's change the divorce dialogue together. It's time to be better than bitter.